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(This originally appeared in the January 2021 edition of Stuck Not Broken: Quarterly free ebook. To get it, just sign up for the email list or become a Patron) A week of sympathetic activity The week started off on a high. I was very much ventral-vagally activated after my Thursday afternoon coaching session ended. That lasted for a couple of days, with me being able to meet some new challenges that had been talked about and planned out during the session. But after those couple of days, the vagal brake began to come off and my sympathetic energy took over… I just didn’t realize it until the day before my next Thursday afternoon coaching session. My wife had noticed it, asking if I was okay and pointing out that I seemed irritated for a few days. I attributed it to being stuck at home and not being able to leave the house to go to work. Which I think definitely contributed to my sympathetic activity. I was also on a motivation high. Those first couple of days I was sympathetically charged along with the ventral activation. That resulted in a playful, motivated state. But when the vagal brake began to turn off (safety system turning off), I was left with just the sympathetic flight/fight energy. It didn’t result in me actually running or fighting, but it definitely left me with some feelings of pressure, panickyness and irritability. I was still functioning just fine in my life domains, but the defensive feelings were there and were guiding my decisions and interactions. Instead of acting from a motivated and joyful place, it turned into a frenzy of creation. You see, the JustinLMFT stuff (podcast, Instagram and such) is - in part - my way of expanding my nervous system capacity. The JustinLMFT content is my growth but also my challenge. It’s my Path of Change with obstacles along the way. So I went into a frenzy of content creation, guided by this intense pressure and frantic energy. And wow, did I create and create and create. At first, it was combined with joy and love for my audience. Then it just sort of morphed into something else. And that lasted for about 4 days of a buzzing, frenetic energy. The weekly Thursday coaching session rolled around and I was still in a pretty high charge. That day I had attempted to do some journaling but struggled. I was still very much in a sympathetic state. And it turned out to be more of a fight sympathetic state. I was probably more confrontational and resistant during this coaching session than I ever had been. I argued with her about what she was telling me and why she was wrong. I basically drew a line in the sand, fueled by irritability. The more conscious part of me was watching this from above, knowing she was trustworthy and probably had some wisdom that I could benefit from. But the sympathetic energy had to run its course and wasn’t slowing down. Luckily, she’s incredible at what she does and was able to not only match my sympathetic energy, but maintain her own vagal brake and smile at me as I was irate. She’s got this smirk she does that I just shake my head at, knowing it’s from compassion, but there’s also an “I told you so” sort of air about it. Or at least, that’s the story I have about it, which could very well simply be a reflection of the state. Through her patience and her compassion and her ability to contain my state, I eventually started to ease up and become much more humble. By the end of the session, we were smiling together, laughing about the session and about me. In a fun way. Her co-regulation and our solid rapport was keeping me in a safe state. After that… I crashed. The crash It wasn’t all at once. I left that session and played video games with my kids. We had some time as a family together. We had dinner, did bathtime, brushed their teeth and got my 5 year old son to bed on time. After he was in bed, I laid on my own bed and didn’t move for about ten minutes. I talked a little with my wife, she was asking me if I was okay. I told her I just needed to crash and be still for a while. I ended up having to get up for a chore (turning off the sprinklers for the next day?). When I came back, I needed to put some lotion on the back of my knee. It had been really itchy that afternoon and I left it pretty pink from all the scratching. I put some lotion on it and felt a sting. We all have fairly sensitive skin in this family, so it didn’t seem odd at first. But the sting didn’t stop. It dawned on me that maybe what I put on my leg wasn’t lotion, but soap from another white pump bottle from the bathroom. And I was right. It was soap and it stung pretty bad. Climbing my ladder So instead of the original plan of laying down and checking out, I took a shower to relieve the sting (and also get the damn soap off of my leg). I had some negative thoughts in my head, beating myself up cognitively. One of the negative thoughts is how I should know better than this. That I have a course in being grounded in the present moment. That I should be able to feel better. That I wasn’t doing good enough. My sympathetic thinking might sound similar to yours. Lots of “shoulds” and negative evaluations. In the shower was when my thinking started to change. I think the warm water helped me to start the process of ladder climbing. Instead of mentally berating myself for not using my course, I began to remind myself that I have a course! My thoughts had some sympathetic energy to it, but also some safety. I began to see a light that I could follow. So I used the sensory safety anchor from chapter 4. Specifically, the sense of touch. The warm water on my skin and how that felt. Really feeling into and experiencing the reassuring warmth. Then I used another of the sensory safety anchors, my sense of smell. My beard shampoo/conditioner that I have is marajuca oil and shea butter (I don’t know either but they smell good). I inhaled it with my eyes closed and in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Soon I felt more ventral activation. I could tell because my breathing was becoming easier/lighter. Along with that ventral activation, I could feel the sympathetic energy return from my crash. But this time, it wasn’t a frantic or irritable sympathetic charge. It was more of a playful energy. I smiled in the shower and shook my head, feeling into the returning energy and feeling kind of silly for my confrontational behavior in the coaching session. Then I noticed an image pop into my head, something that came from a coaching session. And that’s of me being stuck in a transparent tube. But the follow up image is me using my arms to push up and open a window in the tube. Being stuck in the tube is a good analogy for pent up energy, but also being closed off. Pushing the window open is a good analogy for using my arms to channel some sympathetic fight energy out and then relaxing my muscles. The window represents and feels like openness, opportunity and freedom. I used the image and then used a body movement to further allow some energy to return and discharge. I cover memory anchors in chapter seven. The tube isn’t a memory, it’s an imaginative image. So it serves the same purpose and uses the same basic functioning. As I imagined the tube in my mind, I used my arms to act out the motion of opening the window. I felt the sensation of being more open as my upper body stretched out and a larger breath came in. I smiled as I did so, an indication that more safety was coming online. Body anchors are covered in chapter 3. I got dressed in clothes that I feel good in - a black t-shirt with tiny white dots on it. And my grey super soft sweats that hug my legs right above the ankles. The ankle hug and the softness are great sensory anchors for me. Again, something from chapter 4. My next step was to go to my office and do a bit of meditation and journaling. I had about an hour before my online therapy session was going to begin. I wanted to be in my most ventral state as possible. I felt a bit of pressure and time crunch, but ultimately had confidence that I would be where I need to be when I needed to be there. In chapter 2, I cover environmental safety anchors. Being in my office was a great use of my own. I’ve designed the office to be as ventrally-activating as possible. Dark woods, black iron, blue walls and gold accents. A few spots of green in the fake plants. Most importantly for me - I have two orangish lights that are more on the dim side. I turn off the main ceiling light and turn on the two smaller lights, creating a much calmer environment. The office is minimal clutter, wires are mostly tucked away or clipped under the desks. The desk surface is made of beautiful reclaimed woods from California wildfires. I sit on my favorite chair which is placed in the corner and faces the large windows of the office. From here, I can see the entire room. It’s a comforting space. A dim light within arm’s reach to my left. The other dim light in the corner to my right. I sit in my chair and breathe. I bring my legs up and put them on the ottoman. From here, I do a bit of journaling, which would probably fall into the chapter 6 cognitive anchors. At first, I’m in silence. Just taking it in. Then I put on chill hop music, which consistently helps me to ground myself. Music is discussed in chapter five. More breathing and journaling. I’m working my way up my ladder and use some time before the session to record something for IGTV and the podcast. It’s a ten minute audio/video journal. I thought others could benefit from it, but really it’s primarily a way for me to process the events that just unfolded. The tone of the content is still fairly depleted. I’m ventrally activated enough to feel my feelings and share them. But I don’t post it, deciding to sit on it for now. I do my 9pm session, which goes well. The 10pm session of the night cancelled last minute, giving me more of an opportunity to do some further anchoring. I felt like the audio/video journal was the right move and I wanted to share it with others, but by this time was feeling more present, so I decide to redo it. Not out of anxiety or worry, but just felt more whole and complete and wanted to come from that energy. It also felt like an opportunity to more clearly process what had happened that day and the week more generally. I find that writing or saying things out loud helps me to get to the next step. Versus the words simply living in my head. By this time, I’m in a pretty well-anchored ventral state. I feel appreciation for things. I’m prioritizing my self care and go to bed earlier than I typically would. I’m content with what I recorded on both a personal and a content-creation level. What went right What went right was I knew what I needed for getting more anchored in the present moment. Now, it took me a week to realize that I had lost it, but I got there eventually. And when I realized it and set the intention to self-regulate, I knew the pieces of what my nervous system responds to. I had things ready to go already, like my office that is a predictable cue of safety through and through. I had someone that could co-regulate. My coach is phenomenal. She was what I needed to be contained but also brought up to ventral. I also had my wife checking in with me a few times that week, non-judgmentally noticing that I was irritable. It actually did help me to notice it myself a couple of times, but I didn’t act sooner on using my anchors to come more fully into my body and into the present moment. What went wrong I got caught in my sympathetic activity, which easily gets disguised as productivity. I started off in a very ventral place that week, but didn’t notice as the vagal brake loosened and left me with a tad too much sympathetic. It wasn’t entirely out of control. I still got enough sleep throughout the week. I still functioned as a husband, a father and an employee. I still provided therapy at night that I was proud of and benefitted my clients. But was I at optimal levels for each of these? No. I didn’t have any consistent, daily practice during this week. Typically, each day I do what I need to in order to stay in the present moment. Playing with my kids, brief meditations, journaling, chatting with my wife, being creative, slow exhales. But those simple practices more or less stopped. Or were in decline. Or I didn’t do so with mindful conscious participation. On top of this, my coach and I had been working on some challenging stuff the session before that. Beneficial, but very new and very challenging. She and I had been getting me out of my comfort zone and into some new territory that I didn’t have a map for, nor the window of tolerance for. Combining that with a loss of dedicated practice makes for a sympathetic combination. I quickly reverted to my own behavioral adaptation, which is hyperfocusing on creation from defensive energy. Plus on top of all of this, I had been creating at the beginning of the week from a very ventral state. And the week before that too. These marked major milestones for me, as it was evidence of more safety being present when it comes to all these new challenges of being an entrepreneur. But there was a rubber band effect on my nervous system. As high as I was on the ventral energy, it snapped right back to my defensive energy. And then I stayed in my behavioral adaptation, unconscious of the response I was stuck in. For you I hope this simple story illustrates for you what it might look like to use the information in the Building Safety Anchors course. I think every piece of this is important. Discovering what works for you. Making it a dedicated practice. Being curious and assessing what works and what doesn’t. If you'd like to find out more about the course, please contact me (justinlmft@gmail.com) or open the image below.

This originally appeared on January 1 (2021) in my free quarterly e-book for Patrons and email subscribers. It's called "Stuck Not Broken: Quarterly." Subscribe at the bottom of the page or become a Patron for $5 a month. On Christmas Eve I published a short episode for my Patrons in an attempt to bring them a more well-rounded holiday message that was actually pertinent to them. In particular, to those that are not going to have the perfect holiday experience. What that is is obviously up for debate, but I’m referring to these pieces that might be a part of it: Family Friends Decorations Gift giving Joy and other highly ventral feelings Obviously the holiday season is over, so this is less of a message of preparation as it is of a sort of post-mortem processing first. And then maybe some preparation and reframing for the coming holidays. But I hope you’ll indulge me in sharing a bit about my holiday experience(s). We’re sickening My wife and I and our two kiddos are almost nauseatingly festive. Yes, we’re one of those families that celebrates Christmas with lots of commercialism and materialism. Lots and lots of lights and ornaments. We’ve got a stocking up for each of us above the fireplace on our mantle. (Mine says “Justin” and is a hand-knit stocking that I got when I was born, an Aunt made it for me.) We’ve got multiple Christmas jammies and even a set that matches. We have completely bought into the Hallmark and Coke bottle version of Christmas. No caroling, but nauseating enough. It’s truly sickening, I admit it. Please don’t despise me! But it’s also a season for us to do some different family things together, like driving around and looking at lights. We make cookies as a family with frosting and sprinkles. My wife and I wrap gifts on Christmas Eve, I write a note from Santa and take a bite of the cookies the kids leave out for Santa. We also watch “Elf” repeatedly and whatever other Christmas movies we can (“Jingle Jangle” on Netflix is pretty cool, though too much singing for us. “Klaus” on Netflix is incredible and has been on two years in a row now. “Wolfwalkers” on Apple+ isn’t a Christmas movie, but it’s amazing). I guess I tell you all of this to just share a bit of what we do and where I’m coming from. It really is shockingly wholesome. The teen Justin is in shock at least. But it wasn’t always this way. We had plenty of holidays together where things were definitely not so perfect looking. We’ve had our share of disagreements over visiting relatives and spending money. My wife and I are both nearly 40 and have been hammering away at our careers for a couple of decades now. We’ve worked and worked and gotten to where we are. We’ve recently been able to create the holiday experience that we want to have within our own little family. There was one Christmas where we wanted to upgrade. We had gotten a cheap fake tree the year before which was a little bigger than the hand-me-down we already had. We went onto Craigslist and searched for people giving away ornaments. We found someone who was unloading his ornaments for maybe $50. It was a lot and we thought we were getting a steal. Our tree was going to look a bit classier than it had, since all we had were a random assortment of ornaments that had been given to us. The guy we bought them from lived in a nice neighborhood and I remember my wife and I saying that someday we would live in a neighborhood like that. In a large house for our family (our daughter was maybe 4 at the time). We lived in an apartment in the Bay Area. We used to move at least once a year for various reasons. I’m not exaggerating; we would move at least once a year for maybe 10 years. Seeing his home and buying the “fancy ornaments” meant something to us and was a glimmer of a life we were striving for that always seemed far away. But I remember this craigslist guy was eager to sell and seemed like he just wanted to dump everything he had in his garage, including the ornaments. Like, I just sort of felt this urgency to it. Or an uncaring. Or a disdain even. I don’t know, but it was something. We got out that cheap smallish tree, strung up the lights (always do that before the ornaments!) and began to go through and put up the ornaments we had just bought. There were really cool glass ones and shiny ones. We were seriously in marvel that our tree was going to look decidedly more fancy. We felt more adult. More accomplished or independent. I noticed on one ornament in particular that it seemed hand made. I checked the back of it and saw a child’s name. I sort of froze and showed it to my wife. We looked through a few more and saw that there were more. Like they would say “Kyle’s first Christmas” or “from: Jack to: mom.” They belonged to a family. They were a part of a family’s holiday. And now they were hurriedly sold to strangers through craigslist. We assumed the parents got a divorce and the man was simply selling everything off. We have no idea the reality of the situation, but that’s what we came up with. It could be any number of things. We thought of the man that sold them to us. It must have been a lonely holiday for him. And for the wife we’re assuming he was no longer with. And for the kids too. Who knows? Maybe it was a good thing and the kids had their first safe Christmas with relatives. It’s irrelevant to my point here. And to the reframe we gave ourselves. Our reframe Having the “fancy” Christmas meant something to us back then. And it still does. We wanted the Christmas that we currently have. We achieved that goal. But having each other is a helluva lot more important. Having both of our kids, being a close family, actually enjoying spending time together. I think in that moment my wife and I both appreciated what we had and we now appreciate what we currently have. But we also know that it could easily be lost. Fast. Any number of things could go wrong and the nauseating holidays we’ve cultivated would be wiped out. So that’s my reframe for my own holidays. We love it. It’s great. We can now afford the Christmas we always wanted. But it could easily be gone. My reframe is one of deeper appreciation for who I have in my life. For my amazing wife and incredible kids. And simply knowing that what we have is potentially very temporary. Your reframe Believe me, I know that not everyone is going to have a holiday season like I do. The “perfect” kind of holiday. I know full well. I work with kids and families who are simply not going to have those holidays. I’ve been doing so for over a decade. The kids and teens I work with are not going to get much of anything, if at all. It’s simply not a special time for them. Poverty, abuse, violent neighborhoods and a life on welfare are many of their norms. It’s actually the opposite of special. There’s some shame for them during the holidays. The shame of having less than or not at all. There’s embarrassment. There’s jealousy and resentment. A lot of the feelings that I had growing up around people that had a lot more than we did. I work with adults that didn’t have special holidays and dread this time of year. It’s simply not a special time for them. It’s lonely. It’s imperfect. It’s a reminder of what they do not have or have not achieved. And maybe you can relate to that. That’s where your own personal reframe is going to be important. Think back to the holidays that just passed. Whatever holiday(s) you do or do not celebrate. Take a minute and reflect on what they were like for you. Here are some potential journal/thought prompts: What feelings did you have? What did those days mean to you? Now let’s try this from a different angle: How did you want things to be? What do you wish were different? What feelings would you like to have? Validate and normalize first I think it’s important to differentiate between what it was and what you would like it to be. First, I don’t think it’s helpful to gloss over or ignore what you are actually feeling. Maybe as a temporary relief that’s helpful. And that might have helped you to get through the holidays. But now that they’re over, you might be able to reflect on what you were actually feeling. And to give those feelings some validation and normalization. Whatever feelings you had are probably understandable based on what life you live and lived. Like, if I or anyone else had your life, we would probably feel the same way. If your life circumstance were re-lived by someone else, they’d probably end up in a similar circumstance today. I guess what I’m saying here is that whatever you’re feeling is probably a normal and expected outcome of how you were raised and other life circumstances. I’m not saying you should stay in these circumstances and these feelings. And this isn’t an issue of blame. It’s simply a possible avenue of normalization and validation. If I were to tell you that I lived a life of parental rejection or humiliation around the holidays and then felt those feelings around this most recent holiday, you would probably validate my feelings, right? You’re not exactly okay with the feelings. You’re not happy with them. You’re not trying to take them from me and make me feel better. You’re just saying, “Yeah, that makes sense. I can see why you would feel this way.” You might say, “Geez, of course you feel this way!” And that’s what I want you to do for yourself. Validate and normalize. Recognize what you want second Now return to the second set of questions that I gave you. This is a representation of what you want. This probably does not match up with the first set of questions. So rather than being stuck in the energy of the first set and wishing for the second set, let’s differentiate. Again, normalize and validate the first step. It is what it is. Take a deep breath. Recognize what you want. Allow yourself to imagine and feel what you want as something separate and distinct from the first set of feelings. Over time, the present day feelings might alleviate and give way to the future ones that you want. There will be more of a transition, one leading to the next. But for now, let’s separate them and see if we can hold two things as true at once. Because the feelings from the first set are true. And the wants from the second set are true as well. Both of these things are true at the same time. The second set represents a possible version of what life could be like for you maybe next holiday season. It can happen. Or at least some steps can be made in that direction. But it’s not happening now. Not yet. The ability to hold these both true at the same time and sit with them might help to decrease the intensity of the first set. It’s okay to pendulate back and forth between these two sets of feelings and let them intermingle as well. Journaling or meditation can be helpful in this. Reframe third So this holiday is over and the next one is not here yet. You probably have some feelings left from this holiday but maybe not as intensely. You have some image in your mind of what you would like things to be like for the future, but it’s not fully developed. You’re in some sort of gray area. This is a really good opportunity to create a reframe, which could potentially act as a bridge from the past to the future. And maybe it doesn’t lead directly to the future image. It doesn’t need to. What it needs to do is to alleviate some of the suffering that you felt this year and not carry it to the next. It’s taking the reality of your situation and building from there, toward what you would like. When you can hold both of these at the same time (or fluctuate between them), the intensity of the split might simmer and then a clearer mind will begin to think in the middle. This is where a reframe can begin to happen. This is an opportunity to define what the holidays mean to you moving forward. Holiday expectations It seems to me that part of the suffering you might feel is due to a disparity in what is expected of the holidays and what the reality of them are. Like the kids that I work with. Their day to day functioning is already pretty crummy. So they already have suffering. But when you pile on the expectations of the holiday season, it sort of compounds the suffering. If this is supposed to be a time of family togetherness, then the fact that they are already not in a healthy family dynamic is made worse. The problem is already there, but now they’re surrounded by unrealistic expectations on a larger level. Consider these journal or thought prompts for yourself: What expectations do you have imposed upon you from others? Who is imposing these expectations? What societal expectations are imposed? What cultural expectations are imposed? What familial or spousal expectations are imposed? And another set for further journaling or reflecting: What expectations do you buy into willingly? What expectations do you buy into out of pressure? What expectations do you and your spouse agree on? What expectations do you and your spouse disagree on? I hope that you can see that there are of course expectations of all kinds imposed onto us around the holidays. Some of these you might more or less buy into voluntarily. My wife and I know that the holidays aren’t really about the commercial aspects of them, but it’s something that we choose to be a part of. Our in-laws might have their own expectations of what’s going to happen during the holidays, but we may or may not choose to go along with that. You may have more choice than you realize. If you can step back for a moment, notice the expectations put on you and then notice the feeling associated with it, that might be enough to begin to choose differently. Especially if you can first be more grounded in your own values. For our family, we come first. That’s our value. We prioritize our marriage and our children above all else. From that value, we then decide on what to do with holidays, who we see and where we go. All of this could act as a reframe for you. That you and your immediate spouse or immediate family are the priority. That this is first and foremost a season for those closest to you. All the other people in your life are allowed to have their wants and their expectations. You’re not taking that away from them. But you’re also allowed to have your own wants and expectations. And if someone expects something out of you, they don’t necessarily get it. They just don’t. That’s a choice that you make. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. And yes, the other person or people won’t like it. But that might be necessary for you to prioritize yourself and make the change that you want for yourself and those you’re going to prioritize. They’re allowed to be upset. Reframe. Or not. You get to frame and define what the holidays mean to you. If you want to. You don’t have to do anything differently. You don’t have to reframe anything and just keep going with the way things are. That is completely within the options here. And what they end up meaning to you can look way way different than what is expected of you. Maybe it’s just another day and you pay as little attention to it as you can. Everyone else is wasting their money and stressing over another sunrise and sunset. You don’t have to do that. Maybe it’s a day for you to disconnect entirely and dedicate to reading and writing and creating. Maybe the family you spend the day with is actually friends. Your family you grew up with doesn’t necessarily feel like family. These are individuals that you might not want in your life at all. So the people you spend the holiday with might be those that have earned some trust from you. Whoever they are. The gift-giving of the holiday season might be something that you re-interpret. Instead of materialistic gifts, you might make this an occasion to give your special people a specific heart-felt compliment. Or write them a short story just for them. Or just give thanks. Your giving doesn’t need to match anyone else’s giving. It doesn’t have to look or feel the same at all. But if you just stick to the pressure and stress of the expectation, you won’t get to discover your interpretation of the expectation. Instead of giving gifts, you might give experiences. This is something I have seen other parents do and something we did a bit of in our house. Instead of a bunch of toys, we got a few toys and a family trip the past couple of years (not in 2020 though, sadly). You get to reframe Just some of my own thoughts for you. I don’t know of a correct reframe for you and your specific life. That’s up for you to discover. Now that the holidays are over, it’s a good opportunity to reflect back, reframe and move forward. You don’t need anyone else’s permission for this. It’s just for you and maybe your spouse or some select people. Besides all of this, I do hope you enjoyed your holiday season. I hope you got what you wanted in every way possible. I hope the season was special for you in the way that you needed it to be.

I. Encouraging/demanding secrets People need to feel safe in coming forward with something they've survived or just feelings they have that need to be discussed. People need to feel like they can safely connect with another person (pets can help too). And that other person ideally is able to stay in their ventral vagal state of safety and provide co-regulation. Or maybe they can even mobilize to help the individual to get help. Both of these can help to keep a predator's victim from developing or remaining in a traumatized state. Sadly, when maybe a parent is in their own stuck defensive state, their capacity to provide these things is hampered, to say the least (much more about parents in this blog/podcast episode). That parent or other adult might encourage their child to keep a secret, rather than provide safety for the child. They may even be the predator themselves. Either way, secrecy is encouraged. Being open about the danger in that child's life - and to the rest of the family unity - is discouraged. The child remains stuck. On a more general level, we don't really encourage openness and honesty. We tend to shame each other for how we feel, don't we? We're instead encouraged to "be strong" or "get over it." All this does is to encourage silence about things that need to be spoken about. Maybe the secrets aren't encouraged by a specific other, like an abuser. Maybe the secret is more of a familial or cultural expectation. II. Isolation/rejection Not only do we self-isolate, but we also isolate each other. "Rejection" might be a better word. But "isolate" seems to work for a more complete picture when compared to my last blog article. We cut others from our lives when we can't handle their defensive energy. Part of the isolation/rejection process is to mentally construe the stuck individual with labels or judgments. The family member that comes forward and discloses a long-held secret of abuse can be rejected by the rest of the family. That individual might be labeled as a "liar" or questioned about their motivations for coming forward. This serves to reject the person that is coming forward; one with knowledge that the rest of the family should have. When the family isolates/rejects that individual, the family system continues on. Nothing has to change. It probably should change. But isolation serves the larger function of ensuring that none of the family members have to make any changes within themselves or in their role as a family member. The other family members don't have to confront their role in the family system that enabled this. They don't have to confront the abuser. The family system remains in a state of perpetual denial and active isolation of the individual that disrupts the system. Does something similar to this happen on a larger social level? Of course. Active otherizing, demonizing, blaming, questioning and isolation/rejection of entire groups of people. We see this throughout history across the globe. I think this is very active in today's cancel culture as much as it is in fundamental religious institutions. The otherizing and rejection of some group is essential to the emotional functioning of another. At least, it's essential to the current emotional functioning as it already stands. It's also essential to the powerful of these groups to retaining their power. III. Co-dependency This one really goes hand in hand with the "behavioral adaptations" that I laid out in the previous blog about how we keep ourselves stuck on an individual level. Behavioral adaptations could potentially come with a close sibling - co-dependency. Behavioral adaptations on their own serve to alleviate the stuck individual from the pain of their defensive energy. Behavioral adaptations can be as benign as clicking a pen in a boring meeting. There's a bit of sympathetic energy that is being directed toward the pen clicking, instead of being used in a co-regulative laugh with a safe other. Behavioral adaptations can go to extremes as well though, like substance use. Eventually, the more severe behavioral adaptations may require and even rely on the participation of others. Like when the friend or the parent gives the addicted individual money or a place to stay. That act - which may come from wanting to help - may actually reinforce the behavioral adaptation, which reinforces the stuck defensive state. The addict does not get any closer to getting unstuck. These types of co-dependent behaviors might be that individual's alleviation of their own stuck defensive energy. The co-dependent behavior could arguably be the co-dependent's own specific type of behavioral adaptation. Rather than working on getting unstuck themselves, they focus on the pains of another. "If they're okay, then I am okay." On a larger level, do we engage in things that are co-dependent? I think we can see this in some public schools. I see and I hear from staff that have been around long enough that there is a constant decreasing in the standards and expectations of academic success and behavior. Teachers are flat out ordered to not fail students, even if they have earned an "F." As an individual student does worse, they may be put into a continuation school where their school days are shortened, they get less homework, do more computerized work and the general expectations for timeliness and work completion are lower. Rather than holding everyone to the same expected outcomes, the bar is consistently lowered. Some of this is to get funding, some of this is to prevent possible legal attacks and some of this is due to whatever current political demands there might be. They don't exactly cause the poorer academic outcomes and behavior, but definitely reinforce them and arguably worsen them. Does this describe all public schools? Of course not. IV. Minimizing & other BS People tend to minimize the severity of things, even in relation to traumatic events. Minimize, rationalize, excuse and other BS: "It's not that big of a deal." "You'll get over it." "Sometimes it's best to just put these things behind us." "Okay, but just don't make a big deal out of it." When we minimize and do these other BS things, it reinforces the stuck defensive energy of the person seeking help. It tells that person that their pain is not that big of a deal. It's almost a direct denial of the severity of the person's stuck state or what they went through. That individual is at a point where they are probably feeling the pain of their stuck state and seeking help for it. So to have that pain minimized would not align with the severity of their state. In response, they may have that state reinforced. They will stuff it all down again, now attaching the minimization with the impulse to find safety. They might adopt that mindset and use that cognitive coping strategy to continually minimize, rationalize or otherwise dismiss the severity of their pain. This could easily become something that they in turn pass on to their own kids. This unhealthy way of coping is passed on for generations. When my clients look back on these types of cognitive coping strategies, they can see that they are passed down from their parents, and from their parents' parents. V. We're strangers to ourselves These polyvagal state shifts have no inherent value. They're simply the bodily organism's way of increasing the chances of survival; and thus increasing the chances of reproducing that strand of genetic material for another generation. There is no judgment or value assigned to this. It's simply the mechanics of evolution. The bodily shifts of going up and down the polyvagal ladder are a part of the process of survival. Despite this simple and natural truth, humans seem to have lost the capacity to be with their bodily sensations. It's something we need to learn and practice. Animals don't need to do this. They're at one with their bodies. Humans do all the things that I've listed above and a lot more. We strive to live lives that are free from actually being with these polyvagal states. We focus on what we do or do not have. We focus on what others are or are not doing. We focus on what we think needs to change in society and then evangelize in the comment sections of our social media. We seek incessant entertainment or distraction from what is happening within. We've become absolutely fixated on the external and complete strangers to the internal. So when these shifts happen, we have no idea what is happening. We don't know how to tolerate it. Our vagal brakes are not developed enough to be able to handle it and allow the shifts to happen. Having a weaker vagal brake is a consequence of an underdeveloped social engagement system. Those biological pathways are not exercised enough. And instead, the defensive pathways are probably overused. Overused from numerous different sources: outright traumatic events in our lives constant fear-mongering from media outright oppression from one group to another advertising that stokes our fears in order to compel a purchasing behavior Then we live in states of defense. We're scrutinizing ourselves and each other. We're judging and labeling and otherizing and manipulating. All to fulfill some sort of selfish impulse to feel dominant or satiated. And others live in a defensive state, disconnected from themselves and feeling helpless to the world around them. We're strangers to ourselves. To ourselves on a personal level. To ourselves on an interpersonal level. We can't handle the personal s**t inside. And then we definitely can't handle the interpersonal s**t outside. It all becomes alien to us. But really, it's just biology. It's just our internal stuff that's trying it's damndest to self-regulate and optimize bodily resources. It's the cues of safety or danger that we give off and give to each other. It's not that complex to understand. So we can learn what's happening and what to do. But we have a very very hard time with executing all of it. I'll leave it at that, but also want to tell you about how to increase the strength of your vagal brake. I've got a course called Building Safety Anchors that is designed to do just that. It's 30 days of learning and doing. It will help you to recognize what is happening within you. Specifically, the feelings of safety and peace that are within you. These feelings are unlocked once your safety pathways activate and this course goes through six different learning modules to help that process. Learn more by going here or tapping the image below. I hope you've enjoyed this blog and found it useful for your life in particular. I know there's a ton more I could go into here. Leave a comment below and let me know what you would add to this list.

Wild animals are really really good at self-regulation. Their survival kinda depends on it. If they were stuck in a shutdown state, they would be easy prey. Humans aren't wild animals, obviously. Except for toddlers. So what's with the difference in self-regulation capacity and what do humans do to prevent the natural process of self-regulation? And for those that need me to say so - Am I suggesting that environment isn't a factor in one's self-regulation? No, of course not. Am I suggesting that people should just be able to decide to self-regulate? Nope. Am I suggesting that traumatized people are to blame for their state? Uhhhh no. The purpose of this blog in particular is to discuss what the individual does to keep themselves in a stuck defensive state. This is a non-exhaustive list. Add your own thoughts in the comments! I. Keeping secrets Wild animals don't do this. They actually do the opposite. When something is even potentially wrong, they let the surrounding wild animals know about it. Whether through loud shrills or tense muscles, they communicate potential danger. And even after the fact, after they have survived a predatory attack, a mammal will return to their herd or family and seek safety. I'd imagine that they would communicate what happened if they could. I think at the very least, wild animals communicate in their own way that they need safety and connection. They don't come back to the herd with shame, do they? They simply seek safety and are welcomed and protected. Humans beings keep things secret. I don't think it's a conscious choice. And again, this is not an issue of blame. It's simply the reality for many individuals who are stuck in a defensive state. That person might be the victim of abuse. And they keep the secret due to a threat the predator is making toward them or someone else (or themselves). Or they keep the secret because their support circle is simply not supportive, doesn't believe them or lashes out against them for speaking up. But someone could also keep a secret because of the shame that they feel. They can't bring themselves to disclose to someone else what happened or is happening. Or maybe they keep the secret because they don't want to face the vulnerability of disclosure. Or simply thinking about whatever it is is unbearable. Keeping a secret doesn't have to translate directly to some sort of specific event. It could also just refer to generally keeping feelings within. Not sharing with others but also not even acknowledging to the self. Keeping the feelings/thoughts/memories/somatic sensations as hidden as possible. So why does keeping secrets ensure someone stays stuck? Because the individual is not allowing the stuck energy to mobilize and seek help. Their autonomic nervous system stays in a state of danger. What it needs to do is to utilize the stuck defensive energy to find help. And hopefully, their requests for help will be heard by someone that then can use their own sympathetic energy to make something happen. Or their own ventral activation to be a co-regulator. Or both. II. Isolating This is similar to the first. See, we're social creatures. We need each other. Humans need each other to co-regulate on an interpersonal level. This co-regulation helps to foster self-regulation on an individual level. When we survive something potentially traumatic, it's extremely important that we have safe connections with safe others. These safe others provide co-regulation to help the survivor to climb their own polyvagal ladder and back into their own safety state. When we isolate, the potential to climb our polyvagal ladders is minimized. I know some of us need some solitude to recharge (me!), but that's not what I'm talking about here. I mean isolate. When someone keeps to themselves and cuts others off. Being alone is generally a cue of danger. Again, we're social. We generally do better with safe environments and safe others. Belonging is not uniquely human. All mammals need to belong to a group and we're no different. But we're the only ones that isolate. This is especially true of the dorsal vagal shutdown state. There's a deep feeling of loneliness. And there's an impulse to confine oneself. My more depressed clients often share similar pieces of the puzzle - staying in their rooms, wanting to be alone, laying in bed. Maybe a small light on or sun coming in through the closed blinds. They feel tired but never get enough rest. And I think the impulse to fulfill this scene has a lot of truth in it. The body is saying something about what it needs: safety, security, predictability, low stimulation. But my clients are detached from the impulses of their body and the significance of it. So they perpetually repeat this scene day after day. Part of the problem is the disembodiment. Part of the problem is the thoughts they have around this (more on that in part IV). But part of the problem is cutting off others that can act as co-regulators (if they have them). III. Behavior adaptations The autonomic nervous naturally wants to self-regulate. It naturally wants to release the stuck defensive energy and gain more access to the safe and social biological pathways. From there, the mammalian body can optimize its use of bodily resources. But when humans feel that defensive energy lingering in their system, they do something to get some temporary relief. Especially as it builds in intensity. That's called a "behavioral adaptation." Generally, we do minor things like grind our teeth, pick cuticles or shake our legs. We also engage in more serious behavioral adaptations, like substance use, hair picking or overeating. That individual does not have the vagal brake strength to tolerate the stuck defensive energy, so they engage in these behaviors for some relief. No,. these behaviors don't actually help in the long run. It's a short term benefit. They probably make life more difficult and have larger consequences. But in the short term, they serve their purpose. Rather than doing these behaviors that divert the stuck defensive energy, we need to build the vagal brake strength to tolerate the energy and allow it do return or discharge. To do so, we need to activate the ventral vagal pathways more and more. My Building Safety Anchors course teaches you how to do so in 30 days of small steps. Learning and practicing how to activate those safety pathways to get more in the present moment and build the tolerance for the stuck defensive energy. I've got a deeper look into behavioral adaptations in this episode of Stuck Not Broken. IV. Creating Stories Humans have the capacity to build complex language. And with complex language comes complex ideas, reasoning, excuse making and stuff we just kinda make up. When it comes to being stuck, we create "stories" which can be one more of these things. First, we need to understand the concept of "Story follows state" from Deb Dana. Basically, the thoughts that we have in our head are directly related to and stemming from the polyvagal state that we are in. So the same situation can elicit different thoughts ("stories") from us depending on what state we are in. The conscious mind is attempting to make sense of the polyvagal state. Someone stuck in a shutdown state is going to have thoughts about how worthless they are (they're not worthless, btw). Someone stuck in a fight sympathetic state is going to have thoughts about what a jerk someone else is. Both of these thoughts are there because of the polyvagal state and the stuck defensive energy. If these individuals were to climb their polyvagal ladders, their thoughts would change. But these thoughts also serve the unintentional consequence of keeping that person in their stuck defensive state. Instead of focusing on their thoughts of worthless, the shutdown individual could instead focus on the experience of worthlessness in relation to their bodies. As in, where they feel that feeling. What it feels like, what it looks like, what texture it has and how long it wants to stick around. Once more attuned with their somatic experiences, the ladder climbing can begin. Human beings shame and judge themselves. You do. I do. We all do. Animals don't do that. Yes, they can feel shame. But it's not a self-directed shame toward the self. V. We feel fear with polyvagal state shifts I know, I know. None of this is all that easy whatsoever. It takes time, it takes practice. It takes patience. One of the problems with all of this ladder climbing stuff is the experience of the ladder climbing stuff. It's intense. And if you don't know what to expect and you're not ready for that inner stuff you have going on, fear is going to be involved. Fear that accompanies the returning or discharging sympathetic energy. Ideally, the individual has built their vagal brake strength and is able to pendulate and titrate the defensive energy. Instead of a fear response, the defensive energy will be met with curiosity, acceptance and relief. Not temporary relief through a behavioral adaptation. But the relief one gets from actual discharge. Waves of sympathetic energy coursing through the system. Shame expunging itself. The ability to smile and feel grateful for the release that has just occurred. Not easy, but doable. Eventually. Next blog I will release a blog on what humans do to keep each other stuck. It'll be the sort of inverse of this one from a social level. If you're interested in my course, you can find out more information through the banner below. Thanks for reading.

I'm reluctant to phrase things in this way because it might come across as insensitive or dismissive even. And that's not my intention at all, though it is the crux of this blog. I'm speaking to the person that thinks/feels that their life cannot improve. Or that their polyvagal state cannot improve. That they are permanently stuck in whatever state and circumstance that they are currently in. And my goal is to logically convince that person that they're wrong. Things can literally get better. I'm attempting to deconstruct the self-defeating thought that person might have. Whittling away at a thought doesn't exactly fix everything, I know. And it can actually open up some discomfort. But it can also open up the opportunity for a thought replacement or a reframe. And this can help to shift someone's state. Maybe yours. You're stuck, not broken You know this by now, right? If not, I've got an entire podcast dedicated to it! I've also got a blog entry that goes more into detail. In essence, you may have an autonomic nervous system that's stuck in a defensive state. This leaves you with less access to your ventral vagal biological pathways. The world is experienced as dangerous, whether it actually is dangerous or not. The ANS will naturally self-regulate back to the ventral vagal safety state. But humans beings tend to keep this natural process from happening. Animals - especially wild ones - are really good at self-regulating their physiology and not remaining in a stuck defensive state. Humans do things to keep themselves stuck, like: isolating keeping secrets self blame avoiding the discomfort of self-regulation This is in no way an issue of blame. It's simply what we do and I'm not placing a judgment or a value on it. Ideally, we won't do these things and we'd all support each other and there would be no problems in the world. We'd all co-regulate and self-regulate. But that's not happening quite yet. One of the ways that we keep ourselves stuck down the polyvagal ladder is through self-limiting beliefs. Or negative self talk. Or thoughts that reinforce the defensive state. Whatever you want to call them. These beliefs prevent us from feeling the stuck defensive energy and allowing it to return or discharge. If you truly think that change is not possible, then there's no point in feeling your feelings, right? The thought serves the function of dismissing or avoiding the pains of change. It keeps you stuck. This is not an issue of intentionally doing so. Again, this is not about blame. It's just a description of what we do. That's all. You're not choosing to have these limiting beliefs. They simply are there and serve a function. And they are directly connected to your polyvagal state. Your thoughts might be bulls**t Your thoughts are simply an extension of your polyvagal state - "Story follows state," as Deb Dana teaches us. That means the thoughts in our thinking mind stem from our state. When we change the state, the story follows. The pessimistic thought that change is not possible simply goes away when we climb the ladder into a different state. When we're in the safety state, this type of thought simply wouldn't occur. You'd look back on the version of you that had those types of thoughts and chuckle. Then it follows that your thoughts are not necessarily a direct and true account of reality. So if you believe that you're incapable of making the change that you want, it's possible that thought is simply wrong. It's bulls**t. In a very literal way, that thought could be wrong. I'm not expecting you to change your mind right here and now, but I am hoping that you might get to a point of questioning the accuracy of this thought in comparison to the possible objective reality of your potential to change. You could be wrong, right? But I could also be right! is what you're thinking. And I guess so. I mean, we do all have some sort of limitation in one way or another, right? But you're already changing You are! Just look at the evidence right here and right now. Why the hell are you reading this? The fact that you're reading this is evidence of your potential for change. If you're learning something new, that means you're changing. At least a little bit. It starts with knowledge, right? So this is the first step. No, learning isn't the only step. It's not the last. But it's an important one. I'm willing to bet (not really though) that you're also taking in information from other sources. Information about "wellness" or "trauma healing" or "self healing" or something of the like. You're probably doing lots of learning and maybe sort of waiting for something to happen. Maybe you're putting some work in too, besides learning. Learning is important, but there's more to making change. You have to actually do. Or make the attempt to do. You have to put something into action. But there's no point! or It's too hard! is what you're thinking. I have a 30 day course that is designed to help you follow a plan of learning and doing. Building Safety Anchors will help you to feel more ventral safety activation through discovering what anchors you in the present moment. Things around music, thoughts, your environment and more. I teach you about recognizing safety from six different learning modules and then help you to learn more and practice it. Find out more through the image below. So you might be thinking there's not point or it's too hard. Okay... But it's possible I'd imagine that if there was truly zero hope, you wouldn't be reading this. Like, there is absolutely no chance that you will fly, right? There is no chance that you can simply will yourself into the air without some sort of mechanical aid. I'm sure it would be cool if it did happen, but there is probably zero percent of you that thinks this is possible or wills it to be so. The fact that you're reading this and your body want to make change shows me that it's in the realm of possibility. Whether you recognize it or not, your body does want change. Your wonderful autonomic nervous system is compelled to do so. You see, mammals do a lot better when we're anchored in our safe and social system. So on a biological level, mammals (we) compulsively seek out the biology of safety. Remember, the issue is being stuck. Not broken. The capacity for self-regulation is compromised. The ANS is stuck in a defensive state. So your biology is compelled to regulate back into safety, but it's stuck. That means your body has the potential for regulation. It doesn't have the potential to fly and I don't think it's attempting to do so on any level. But your body does have the potential to be in safety and it seeks it out. So it's possible by and large. What that looks like for you, I don't know. How much activation you'll achieve of your ventral system or what's the right amount? I have no idea. These questions are interesting, but for the time being, not terribly significant. Focus on the fact that it's possible to create some change. Thanks for reading this blog. I truly hope that I was able to at least begin to chip away at the limiting belief that you may have that change is not possible. Read more on the blog to gain further insight or listen to the podcast!

If you're a creative person, you have a perfect opportunity to feel into your stuck defensive energy and to begin to release some of it, climbing your polyvagal ladder and into your state of safety and social connection. I talk about this some in the podcast episode above, but as a piece of a larger discussion. I'll focus more on creativity and getting unstuck here. What is creativity? I'm defining it as this - using your individual inner inspiration, motivation or imagination as fuel to bring something into existence. This can look a lot of different ways, here is a short list: drawing/sketching/inking coloring painting dancing singing/rapping/beatboxing podcasting writing/poetry/spoken word I kinda want to differentiate these various creative outlets into movement based or visual or audio and whatnot. But I think that focuses too much on the end result. When it comes to using creativity as a means to unsticking, the point is not the end result. It's the experience. It's the process. If you're taking my Building Safety Anchors course, creativity might fall into the cognitive, body or maybe even the sensory anchors (heck maybe even the environmental too). Really depends on what your creative outlet is. If you're not taking the course, it's for anyone that needs to be more grounded in their bodies and in the present moment. It's 30 days of learning and doing. This blog would fall neatly into the spirit of Building Safety Anchors. I've got six learning modules that are not available anywhere else, in both printable PDF (with a few worksheets) and downloadable audio. Experience vs Result When we create, it comes from some sort of energy. It could be a lot of energy, like a sympathetic flight/fight energy. It could also be a very small amount of energy, like from a shutdown depletion. It could also be a joyful, happy energy, coming from the safety state. Unfortunately, creators focus far far too much on the end result (and the anticipated reactions to it). Of course, if you're working professionally, the end result is pretty damn important. So maybe this is in reference to when we're creating just for the sake of creating. And if you're not doing so, then maybe this is a reminder to make the time to simply create. When we focus on the end result, we lose the experience. We don't mindfully attune to the experience of creating. We're up in our heads, thinking about the result or the reactions or we're telling ourselves it's not good enough. All of this analysis comes from a sympathetic energy. Maybe some flight; maybe some fight. If you're attacking yourself and your skill level, it might be fight. If you're anxious about being judged, it might be flight; though shutdown could be a possibility. You'll have to notice the energy that's underneath those thoughts. If you're more anxious while creating, that's probably sympathetic. But if your projections about the end result stop you from creating altogether, that could be the shutdown system keeping you immobilized. Regardless, the experience is what matters. Feel into that energy level and then bring forth something into existence. Whatever it is and whatever energy is driving it. That means you have to actually notice the feelings and the sensations in your body. What may happen is that the end result is something completely unplanned, completely spontaneous. It could very well be a true reflection of your polyvagal state. And maybe something that looks very different than your typical creation. Feel and then climb If you're feeling sad or angry or anxious or even happy, just let yourself feel it. Give yourself permission to simply feel the way you do, but consciously. Don't block it out. Don't minimize. Start with where you're at. But take it a step further if you can. Realize that the feeling you have is not simply there on its own. It's connected to a polyvagal state. Here's a rundown of some typical states and their feelings: Ventral safety - happy, joyful, awe, vulnerable, safe, trusting, connected Sympathetic flight - anxious, nervous, worry Sympathetic fight - angry, aggressive, dominant Dorsal shutdown - sad, lonely, empty, numb Step one is to recognize the feeling on an emotional level. Step two is to actually feel the feeling on a more somatic level. Notice where these feelings live in your body. Become curious about what those feelings look like, what color they have, what texture they have, what shape they have. Notice if any images pop into your mind as you feel these sensations. All of this can be channeled into your creation. You can create from that feeling and then put it into the world in whatever for feels right for you. It's possible to climb the polyvagal ladder simply through creation. You can actually start at the bottom of the ladder and work your way all the way to the top. But you have to feel that shutdown stuff. The emptiness and the disconnection. Creating from that could be a slow movement. A small voice. Small steps. As you feel that smallness and slowness, you may notice some energy come into your body as some sympathetic energy returns. At that point, you want to feel that sympathetic energy (fight and then flight as you go up) and create from there. Your movements or your voice may become louder and more purposeful. Don't be afraid of the power. Allow it and channel it into your creation. You may actually notice a shift from your fight energy into your flight energy. Fight might feel more purposeful and dominant. Flight will feel more anxious or evasive or jittery. It's not hard and fast, but you may experience something similar. After you successfully channel that sympathetic flight/fight energy into the world, then you will feel your ventral safety pathways activating. You might notice that you become more playful and imaginative, willing to experiment and feel silly. Your breathing will become easier and you might smile. You'll look at your creation with curiosity and not evaluation. We're all creative The punchline here is that we're all creative people. I truly believe this. It might not look the same as someone else in your life, but I bet you have some sort of creativity within you. I've listed some back toward the beginning of this, but you might have something else that is a creative outlet for you (knitting, collage, calligraphy...). Maybe you don't think of yourself as a creative person. That's not necessarily true. Maybe you simply haven't found your creative expression(s) yet. You won't know until you try, right? I highly recommend that you begin to wonder what might be a good fit for you. Don't compare yourself to others. Easier said that done, I know. Just be interested in what might work for you and you alone. And then allow whatever is inside of you to be created into the world. No one has to see it or hear it or read it. Thanks so much for reading. I'd love to know what creative outlets you have in the comments below.

Journaling has become one of my main ways to self-reflect, to grow, to anchor myself in safety, gain new insight and self regulate. If you are taking my Building Safety Anchors course, this would probably fall into the Cognitive Anchors learning and practicing module. It's a lot more than cognitions, but thoughts are a big part of it. If you're new to journaling, stuck on journaling or need a different take, this might be for you. I. Alternate speed Journaling doesn't have to be a slow, tea-sipping, curled up experience. It could be. But it could also be fast and furious. Literally, it's okay to be furious and let your fury out through journaling. It's okay to be fast, to be anxious. Allow your feelings to dictate and come through in your speed. When you're journaling from a shutdown state, it might be slower. Your journaling might not have much energy to it and might be fairly minimal in amount produced. And in all honesty, sitting in silence and breathing, then journaling might be a better idea versus just jumping to journaling. When you're in a sympathetic flight/fight state, then your journaling might be faster. You might feel the impulse to move faster, to write faster, to sketch faster. I find that when the sympathetic energy surges, I tend to start scribbling or rapidly dumping words one after the other in a column that eventually sort of blend together. In this state, the movement is more important to me than what is on the paper. More on this later on. It's important to be mindful of the experience of your journaling. To be mindful of the speed you're working at and the feelings underneath it. Really experience the sensations of your speed and alternate when you feel some polyvagal shifts happening. II. From feelings It's important then to journal from your feelings. Your thoughts, your images, your memories are all going to be instrumental in the journaling process as well. It's really the marriage of all of these things (more below). But your feelings could very well be your starting point. There might be a feeling you're having that you're feeling particularly stuck on. Or is too much at that moment. Sadness is a feeling that might bring you some heaviness or emptiness. Anxiety is one that might keep you too distracted and revved up. Anger is a feeling that could keep you in a mindset of blame and focus on others. Take these feelings and bring them to your journaling. This means you give yourself permission to have those feelings in the first place. You give yourself permission to experience them and to externalize them into the journal as well. Give yourself permission for them to be felt and to be real. III. The marriage of experiences Allow yourself to alternate and fluctuate amongst and between the "marriage of experiences": thoughts feelings memories somatic sensations spiritual/religious When you utilize all of these, you're really tapping into the more complete you. Cognitions are one aspect of you. But cognitions come from a polyvagal state. And so do your feelings and your somatic sensations and maybe even your spiritual experiences in that moment. All of these pieces are a reflection of whatever polyvagal state that you're in. As you feel into and experience these pieces, you're bringing mindfulness to your polyvagal state. And this mindfulness will allow your autonomic nervous system to climb the polyvagal ladder, back into a state of safety and social connection. Or closer to it, at least. IV. Process vs Outcome The importance is in the process. Not in the outcome of what's on the paper. Journaling is similar but ultimately different than creating a piece of art or a short story. They're all creative expressions and the process of creation is important in all of these. But with journaling, there isn't an end goal in mind for a finished piece that will be submitted to others to view or judge. It's just for you. No one else needs to see it. If you're thinking in terms of a finished product or a result, then the viewer that is going to be judging the finished product is you. Journaling is about noticing and allowing. Not judging and evaluating. So view your journaling as an unfolding process that you get to witness, not a product that you get to view and judge. If you do, what you're inherently doing is judging yourself, your feelings and all of the other pieces of the marriage of experiences. What you're pouring into the journal is hopefully an honest reflection of you. That honesty requires interest, curiosity and love. Focus on the process of the shifts that are happening within you. Focus on the process of the speed that you are working at and how that feels. Focus on the feelings and images and memories and thoughts that arise within you as you peel back layers and come more to the present moment through journaling. My course can teach you other ways to come to the present moment as well. I call it being "anchored" in the present moment. It's really being anchored in ventral vagal activation, the biological pathways responsible for safety and social engagement. There are other potential anchors that you could use to be more present and I teach you about them in the course, then guide you in practicing them as well. Learn more about Building Safety Anchors by following the image below. (More blog after the image) V. Don't use a journal Who said journaling needs to be done in a journal? Yes, journals can be really fun to use. I love looking at journals and sketchbooks when I'm at an art store. I love holding them and flipping through the pages, especially sketchbooks. They're cool and they bring a certain calm, right? But journaling doesn't need to be limited to a thing that was created for journaling. It could be done on a plain piece of paper that you throw away when you're done. It could by typed into a Google Doc. I like to use One Note on my Surface Pro 7 (I got the i7 model). It gives me some room to play with colors and line weights. It's fun to use with the Surface Pen. It just feels right for me. At least for now. But let's go a step further. Why does it have to be written? Why not speak your thoughts into a voice recorder? Or use some sort of microphone dictation on a word document? That way you could harness your energy through speaking. Maybe at this point it's not "journaling" anymore, but I think it counts still. Point being here is that journaling doesn't have to look a certain way or be in a certain thing. You do what feels like the next right thing for you and your needs. I hope you benefited from this blog and got a new angle on your own journaling practice. Let me know what you do that helps you!

It occurs to me that you may not be comfortable with looking inward. With consciously feeling what you may already be feeling. Meaning, you already have whatever feeling it is that might be too much or too uncomfortable or even too minimized or denied. So whatever is inside of you could very well be a stranger if we were to give it a persona (which I don't like doing, but it serves as a metaphor). I think my course could be a great way for you to get more acquainted with your inner feelings and ground yourself more in the present moment. And this blog could be a good compliment to that, providing a new framework to build from. Learn more about my 30 day course through the image below. Read on to learn how to treat yourself more like a potential new friend and less like a dangerous stranger. TREAT YOURSELF LIKE A POTENTIAL NEW FRIEND Let's first define what a "friend" is and how it's unique to other relationships. Yes, there are fairly obvious, but it's worth a very brief differentiation. a stranger is someone you don't know (I told you it's obvious!) a co-worker is simply someone that you work with. This would be a person you say "hi" to and exchange simple pleasantries (aka "mindless chit chat") with as you pass by each other. an acquaintance is someone that you might spend more time with and discuss more superficial things, like a co-worker that you go out to lunch with. Or a peer in class that you hang out with between periods. But a friend is something different than these. a friend is someone that you spend more time with, know better on a more personal level, have more emotional investment in, have more trust and empathy in Think about your relationship of your thinking self to your somatic self. If these were two different beings (they're not, just a metaphor), what type of relationship would you say they have? On the spectrum of stranger to friend, what kind of relationship is there? That might be an indicator of how in tune you are with your more whole self. If there is a stranger type of relationship, then your thinking self and your somatic self are probably not very connected. Your story always follows your state, so the two are factually and biologically still very much connected. But we want your thinking self to be in tune with your somatic self. For them to be close, to have a friendly relationship. When those two are in sync on a conscious level, then that will create a more whole individual or true self. Steps to friendship When you make a new friend, there are steps that you might follow to get to know them better. You first start off as stranger, then meet each other as peers at school or work, then get to know each other better as acquaintances and then reach the level of friendship. The way you interact with a friend is much different than the way you interact with the stranger, co-worker/peer or acquaintance. You're not going to start that new relationship off with disclosing all of your biggest fears, dysfunctional relationship patterns, deepest secrets or painful memories, right? And if you do, I highly recommend you don't. For that new person in your life, it might be too much too soon. And that's true for your thinking and somatic self as well. The thinking self might not be ready for the pain that your body holds. Likewise, your body might not be ready for the vivid memories that your thinking self has. These two things interact all the time anyway, but when you bring it to your consciousness, it could result in too much sympathetic or shutdown activation. Instead, allowing the thinking and somatic selves to get to know each other a little at a time might be a better approach. If they spend no time together right now, then having a little lunch together per day might be appropriate, just like hanging out with a co-worker who is now becoming an acquaintance. And if these two selves of you are complete strangers, then a simple introduction might be in order. Here's how this might look: Focus on the positives Just focus on what is pleasant or a relief. No, I am not referring to drug use or cutting or anything similar. I mean what textures are pleasing? I mean what colors? What sounds and what smells? These simple steps might be a first large step toward getting to know yourself better without it being overwhelming. You would keep things light and positive with a friend too. You'd talk about the tv show you both like. You'd talk about your kids or your pets. It wouldn't be threatening. It might be a little awkward, sure. But it's doable in bits and spurts. Besides the senses that bring you feelings of pleasure, you could also focus on memories that bring you feelings of happiness or contentedness. You could engage in play that brings a smile to your face. No matter the route, you need to actually pay attention to the experience of these things. If you can notice them, then you can begin to savor and extend them. Deb Dana calls these "glimmers" and "glows." What's happening during these is that your ventral vagal safe & social state is activating. This state is responsible for connection, safety, relaxation and happiness. Without this state active, you simply won't be able to access more of yourself as you begin to befriend yourself and your nervous system. So when I recommend that you not focus on the pain yet, I'm not saying to simply ignore it and it will go away. I'm saying that you first need to develop the tolerance by building the strength of your ventral state. This is no different than building a friendship. First, you need to know that the other person is safe before learning more about them. After you've spent some time with that person, become acquaintances, know they're safe and built trust in them, then you can begin to disclose more of yourself to them. And that is what will happen when getting to know yourself and looking more at the memories or emotions of yourself. You won't feel as much fear/apprehension from these things. Just like when your new friend tells you they don't have the same religion or politics as you, they won't necessarily be as threatening. You might be more curious as to how they came to their conclusions instead of being scared away. You might want to learn more and build a different type of connection. Discovery When we live in a defensive state, that really becomes our reality. Not just the external world which is perceived as more dangerous, but also the internal. So from that defensive state, when you look at your somatic self, you're going to see danger. It's going to feel like danger and be overwhelming. But there's a lot more to you. There really is a lot more inside of you that you might not be aware of. When you learn about a new friend, you assume there is a lot to them that you don't know, right? So bring that same understanding to yourself. For better or worse (I assume better), there is a lot more within you. The work of change is not static. It's not exactly either/or. It's a process of blooming and discovering (#bloominganddiscovering ooh I like that). It's about what you have within you; but also what you have yet to experience. When you have more access and more of an anchor in your ventral safe/social pathways, new experiences come along with it. New opportunities and potential. Your window to new experiences opens up. Curiosity > Evaluation Foundational to this venture is going to be utilizing whatever curiosity you have and directing it inward. If you make a potential new friend and learn about them, you will need curiosity. If you think you know everything you need to know about that person, you're not going to truly get to know them better. If you've judged them already and put a cap on their potential in your life, you won't truly get to know them better. Same goes for your thinking and somatic selves. They can't be evaluating each other. They can't be judging each other. They need to be curious about each other. Likely, you've already got some judgments and evaluations. Just like anybody else, including myself. We all do it. So it's not that big of a deal on a larger human scale. It's kinda normal. Not ideal, but normal. But that also means it can be improved, since other people are able to do so as well. And you're a person, so this applies to you. There is some curiosity within you already. If there isn't, then why the f**k are you reading this? So bring that curiosity to the "parts" of you that you don't know. The somatic feelings. Meet it and greet it using these tips I've laid out here. I think eventually you're going to learn you've got a pretty kickass friend within yourself. They're worth loving and worth getting to know better. You are worth loving and getting to know better.

You’re learning, you’re motivated, you’re doing therapy, exposing yourself to new ideas, reading books and [insert wellness thing x here]. Cool! Buuut you're not seeing the change that you want to... so now what? More than learning Remember how Neo downloaded kung fu in the Matrix? He basically learned it all at once and then was able to execute it immediately in a spar against Morpheus. He didn't have to deal with the actual steps of making change and growing. He was simply ready to spar. Bad news -this is not how change works in our reality. Sorry. Change doesn’t come from just learning. It's of course essential to the process of change, but is not the entirety of what needs to happen to make change. You actually need to start doing. "But I am doing, damnit!" I don't doubt it and I’ll address you more specifically in a moment. Do Start doing. Implement the information that you are taking in. If you never actually implement what you're learning, what's the point? Change doesn't come from scrolling through Instagram wellness images. Or Facebooks ones. Or Pinterest. You get the idea. Yes, it can be intimidating to try something new. You're going to feel dumb. You're going to feel embarrassed. You're going to think that you're doing it wrong. You're going to doubt that you'll be successful. Allow these doubts and insecurities to be. It's okay for them to be present. Yes, it's important to be evaluating the efficacy of what you're doing and I'll touch upon that a littler later on. But these doubts and insecurities are a normal part of trying something new and a normal part of challenging yourself. When my coach challenged me to journal, I at first felt irritated. I didn't make journaling a practice of mine at all. But I embraced the irritation and journaling is now something that's a realistic option for me when I need it. But hey, maybe you're already doing... Do again If you’re already doing, then do again. That might be the problem. You can't just try something once and then proclaim that it's ineffective. You can't half-ass a meditation and then disregard it. You gotta give things an honest attempt. So do again. "But Justin, I'm already doing and doing again!" Okay then... Do another If the thing you're doing is ineffective or if you really don't like it, then do something else. Just cross it off the list. There is an absolute slew of free information on wellness pretty much everywhere. If you've got one of those rectangles that accesses the information of the world, this should be a pretty easy solution. So when you "do another," pick something that appeals to you. Or pick something that someone you trust vouches for. Or something that has some evidence behind it. Pretty much anyone and everyone has advice on wellness and it's not all equal. Depending on how desperate you are, I'd really recommend putting in some research before spending money or trusting a stranger on the internet. Do more often Make it a daily practice to do whatever the thing. Doing it once might not be enough. Doing it once every now and again might not be the right frequency. Making something a daily practice might be a good idea though. I created a 30 day course called Building Safety Anchors that has daily learning in doing in small doses. It guides you through what to learn and what to practice every day. It helps you to become more grounded in the present moment. I'm sure there is such a thing as "too much" of whatever wellness technique you're practicing. Just like there's too much of anything, right? So when I say "do more often" I'm not referring to some limitless capacity that you don't have. I'm not expecting you to lose sleep or sacrifice your relationships. It's something you'll have to be checking in with yourself on as you evaluate what you're implementing and the effectiveness of it. Maybe daily is too much for 10 minutes of meditation. What about daily 2 minute meditations? What about 10 minutes every other day? The point is to do your wellness activities on a regular, predictable basis. And one that works for your individual lifestyle and goals. Be So as you're learning and then implementing new things and feeling all insecure about it, don't forget that it's okay to have fun too. Yes, this wellness and getting unstuck work is serious business. But if you allow some fun, spontaneity and customization into the mix, then your willingness to try again tomorrow is probably going to increase. When I began journaling, I was imagining it had to be a certain way - paragraph form, left to right, deep thoughts. But when I put the pen to paper, I immediately allowed my inner creativity to come into play. My journal is more note style. Free flowing thoughts. Phrases. Arrows, sketches, doodles. I like to start with one word or concept in the middle of the paper, circle it and then have a wheel of spokes coming out of it that have ideas that stem from the main journal prompt. It's not just learning and doing. It's also being, feeling, noticing and experiencing. Doing things the "right way" comes from an evaluative sympathetic state. Worry less about getting the right answer and be more interested in the true experience of change. The goal of all wellness work is to eventually be more in the present moment, in my opinion. Just like in Building Safety Anchors, the goal is to feel more in your body. More safe. More present. And from there, change can really happen. Assess and audit Evaluation is going to be important too though. You're learning and doing for a reason. There is a goal that you probably have in mind. So evaluating the efficacy of what you're doing seems at least a little important, right? That means some things you're doing will stay and other things will go. Maybe just for now. The journaling might stay. The meditation might go. The play might stay. Focusing on the pain might go. A certain mindset might stay. A certain therapeutic modality or therapist might go. You would have to look at what your goal is and ask yourself if wellness thing x is helping you to achieve that goal or not. Is it helping you to get closer to that goal or not. Is it something you feel some hope in or not. Is it something you feel a push away from or a pull toward? These questions in comparison to your goal(s) might help you to rule in or out various wellness things. Thanks so much for reading this and I do invite you to check out Building Safety Anchors. It's not for everyone. It's really for that person that is ready to invest in their change, commit to their change and become more grounded in the present moment. Check it out through the link image below or email me if you have a question about it.

What an Autonomic Response is An autonomic response is a shift in the autonomic nervous system that comes along with a neuroception of safety or danger. This neuroception of safety or danger can be from the external or internal environment. From the external environment, the trigger for the autonomic response could be a safety cue, like a smile from a safe other. It could also be a danger cue, like a face with wide eyes and flat affect. From the internal environment, it could be from pain, hunger or illness. It could also be cognitions. When we neurocept safety or danger, our brain stem utilizes the autonomic nervous system to adjust our physiology for what its assessing the needs for survival or connection to be (as best as I'm understanding it). There are countless unconscious cues that are being filtered at all times. Sometimes a cue is detected as requiring the body to become more mobile, triggering the sympathetic flight/fight system. If that system is unable to get the organism to safety, the brain stem neurocepts a need to immobilize, triggering the dorsal vagal shutdown system. None of these autonomic shifts are planned out. They are unconscious reactions, sort of like software programs in a computer. If there is a certain input from the outside, like typing a keyboard, then the computer responds based on its programming. Humans are similar in that there is a sort of "program" that is within us. There are universal inputs into our human software that are likely to produce similar results. Such as: loud sounds tight spaces darkness flat affect monotone voices wide eyes unsafe touch intrusive space This is obviously an over-generalization, as these universalities will look different per individual. And that's going to be based on things like culture, distress tolerance and that person's place on their own polyvagal ladder. If you're familiar with the Polyvagal Theory, you know that human beings and all mammals have multiple hierarchical autonomic states that can be utilized. We shift to these states in an unconscious sequence of events vs a conscious menu of options that we might be thought to choose from. Here are our autonomic states - Primary autonomic states: ventral vagal safe and social state sympathetic flight/fight system dorsal vagal shutdown system Secondary autonomic states: play = ventral + sympathetic stillness = ventral + dorsal freeze = sympathetic + dorsal Ideally, we are anchored in our state of ventral vagal safety and social engagement. It's not easy and shouldn't be expected to realistically happen 100% of the time. But I think a goal each of us should have is to access that state more and more and build a firm anchor there. I made a course called Building Safety Anchors that will help you to connect more to the present moment, to access that state more and more. If you're ready to feel more in your body and more in the present moment, it might be a good fit for you. What a Behavioral Adaptation is A "behavioral adaptation" is a behavior that we engage in as an adaptation to stuck defensive energy. The stuck defensive energy comes from being unable to regulate back up the polyvagal ladder and into the ventral pathways. When we are in these defensive states (and the safe/social state), it's really important that we actually feel the experience of that defensive state. When we do so, it allows the defensive energy to run its course and discharge. Then the autonomic nervous system can regulate to the top of the polyvagal ladder, into the safe/social state. Instead, what we humans do is ignore the defensive energy. And I don't blame us - it kinda sucks! That energy is experienced as sorrow, despair, panic, rage, anger, anxiety and more. These are all perfectly natural and simply a part of the process. But yeah - feeling them can kinda suck at first. Eventually, we can build our capacity to feel them and actually welcome them. But at first, we typically lean toward avoiding feeling these things. And that's what a behavioral adaptation is. It's something we do to avoid feeling the discomfort of shifting up the polyvagal ladder. Even though we want it - to climb the ladder - doing so is vulnerable and leaves us feeling exposed. Feelings and memories will come up that cause a neuroception of danger and send us right back down the ladder. Being able to tolerate the experience of these states and of ladder climbing is essential to the process of getting unstuck. We have to stay firmly anchored in our ventral vagal safe/social state. But again, instead of feeling into - and not avoiding - the defensive energy, we engage in some sort of behavior. Substance use is an obvious one. It relieves the pain and might give us a pseudo ladder climb. Through using a substance, we can cope with the defensive energy. It doesn't help, but it provides a relief. No, I am not recommending that you use a substance. This is what I've heard from many of my clients. Cutting and self harm could be another behavioral adaptation. I see cutting in particular often as an adaptation to the triggered freeze energy or returning sympathetic fight energy as a client comes out of shutdown. Their capacity to be anchored in their safety state and to tolerate the energy is basically non-existent. Fawn is a Behavioral Adaptation I see providers and mental health content creators getting these confused or not understanding the Polyvagal Theory in relation to how a survivor remains stuck. They confuse behavioral adaptations with autonomic states. For example, "Fawn" is not an autonomic response. Fawn is probably more of a behavioral adaptation to the defensive autonomic response. The behaviors of fawning are in response to the state of the autonomic nervous system of the individual. It's a strategy of getting basic needs met, self-preservation, sacrificing the authentic self for the dominant other in the relationship. But these are behaviors. Not autonomic pathways. Remember, the primary and mixed states listed above are directly connected to specific biological pathways. They are direct representations of the evolutionary functions of those pathways. There is nothing like that for the behaviors of "fawning," as best I know. One could argue that the fawning strategies could actually be an adaptation to any of the stuck defensive states, probably with a significant amount of the dorsal vagal shutdown state.

What do we mean by "trauma"? First, we have to discuss what "trauma" actually is. When we use the word "trauma" in the world of the polyvagal theory and psychophysiology, we're referring to the condition of the autonomic nervous system. We mean that the ANS is stuck (not broken!) in a defensive state of flight, fight, shutdown or freeze. The ANS is functioning day in and day out a rung or two down the polyvagal ladder. So it's not the event(s) we're referring to when we say "trauma". More accurately, it's the impact of the event. If we were involved in the same bus crash, we would potentially walk away from that accident with very different reactions in our ANS. One of us might have gone into a freeze response in reaction to the crash and stay there for months and months. Self-regulation back into the ventral vagal state of safety may not be an option. The other one of us may have been able to self-regulate back into our ventral pathways. Our differing capacities for self-regulation is what determines whether or not we are in a traumatized state. The person who is stuck in a freeze state can be said to be traumatized. The person who is able to self-regulate is simply not traumatized. Same event with different outcomes. It wouldn't make sense to say both people are traumatized because they went through the same event. Some events are probably going to be more likely to result in a traumatized autonomic nervous system. Probably. But the severity of the state is going to differ. The capacity for self-regulation before the event is going to differ. The persons' history of having and accepting co-regulation before the event is going to differ. The individuals' available co-regulative support group is going to differ. Many factors obviously come into play. Stuck state without the event(s)? So it begs the question - can someone have a stuck autonomic nervous system without having a preceding event that may have caused the stuck state? And to be clear, I am not talking in reference to things like repressed traumatic memories. It's simply a discussion of whether or not the ANS can be stuck in a defensive state without a specific antecedent event causing that stuck state. And I think the answer is yes. Mainly because trauma is not simply some event happening to us. Trauma is also the lack of necessary events and conditions being provided as we age. Babies have less self-regulative access to their ventral pathways and no access (I would assume) to their prefrontal cortex. These things develop over time with good enough conditions in upbringing. But this is honestly not what I'm even interested in for this conversation. So to refine the question further - Can someone's autonomic nervous system be stuck in a defensive state even if they received good enough care and did not survive some potentially traumatizing event? And again, there is an obvious answer of yes. Those on the autism spectrum seem to be biologically hardwired to have less access to their ventral vagal safety and social engagement pathways. Dr. Porges does some interesting work with autistic kids and his Safe and Sound Protocol. So there could be an argument here that perhaps someone is simply born with less access to those pathways, independent of upbringing or other factors, which autism might be evidence for. So we have to refine the question further - Can someone's autonomic nervous system be stuck in a defensive state even if they received good enough care, did not survive some potentially traumatizing event and would otherwise have the capability to regulate itself? I don't think so. If someone would "otherwise have the capability to regulate" themselves, then no, there would not be a stuck defensive state. I don't think being stuck in a defensive state comes out of nowhere. If there is a significant stuck defensive state, then they probably went through something that got them stuck. If this individual survived a sexual assault, then that individual could potentially be stuck in a defensive state. Though if they had "good enough" upbringing and could otherwise self-regulate, then their potential to be stuck in a defensive state is probably going to be significantly less, because their vagal brake is probably going to be stronger. Especially if they also have people (and pets) in their lives that provide co-regulation, live in a safe environment and can get adequate help for what they went through. Nervous System Capacity Now let's say that a non-traumatized person, with good-enough parenting and the capacity to self-regulate set out to do something new. Like start a business. Or create an Instagram account to showcase their artwork. Or ask for a raise from their boss. Or go to a dinner party with their friends that would have new people there. For this non-traumatized individual, any of these new pursuits could trigger their defensive flight sympathetic energy. I would assume not the fight sympathetic energy, since this person is otherwise pretty well-anchored in their safety state. But these scenarios could bring them out of their safety state and down one rung into their flight energy. They might feel extremely anxious about these situations. They would experience it as anxiety, worry, nervousness. So they would still access their defensive state, but they wouldn't be stuck there. After they accomplish their goal, they would be able to self-regulate back to their safety state. They aren't traumatized, they're simply accessing their defensive energy. Not because there's actual danger. But because it's an experience that's new. They don't have the vagal brake strength developed for these specific situations. The nervous system capacity for the traumatized individual is going to be less. This individual is going to need to build the strength of their vagal brake, something I had in mind when developing Building Safety Anchors. Trauma vs Vagal Brake Strength "Trauma" refers to the individual's inability to self-regulate and get to the top of their Polyvagal Ladder. Their inability to access their ventral vagal state of safety and social engagement. The vagal brake is the influence of the safety state on the heart. A traumatized individual will have less access to their safety state, and therefore a weaker vagal brake. A non-traumatized individual is going to have more access to their safety state, and therefore a stronger vagal brake. Their ability to tolerate distress is going to be greater since they have a stronger vagal brake. The non-traumatized person's window of tolerance (or 'distress tolerance') is going to be greater for this reason. But even the non-traumatized person is going to access their defensive states when they are confronted with or confront a novel situation they have not yet built the capacity for. These polyvagal biological pathways evolved within human beings and still function within every single one of us. They switch off and on throughout the day. So well all access them. But we don't all get stuck in one of them, depending on many factors.

What the vagal brake is The social engagement system is at the top of the polyvagal ladder. It's the newest autonomic pathway, exclusive to mammals. As mammals developed the social engagement pathways, the sympathetic flight/fight and dorsal shutdown pathways became repurposed with the ventral pathways active at the same time. Without the ventral pathways active, the sympathetic and dorsal systems still function for defensive reasons. With the ventral pathways active at the same time, these defensive postures are now repurposed for pro-social behavior. The vagal brake is the influence of the social engagement system on the heart. If the ventral pathways are active, it will keep the heartbeat at a calmer pace. Without the ventral pathways active, heart rate increases about 20 beats per minute. How to Strengthen Your Vagal Brake You'd strengthen your vagal brake like you would anything else - by exercising it. Meaning, utilizing your ventral vagal safety and social engagement system. Accessing it. Moving up and down your polyvagal ladder. If you have a goal to lift heavier weights, then you have to start by actually lifting weights. You won't be able to lift 200lbs before you lift 100. And you won't life 100 before you life 50. But you'll be able to reach your goal of 200lbs by starting with what you can and then building from there. You meet your goal of utilizing your safety pathways by starting with what you can. It may not be much, but it's better than nothing. "Cool, Justin, but how?" Okay, okay. It's okay to be a Polyvagal know-it-all (just make sure you know it all! Download my Polyvagal Checklist to make sure you're learning all the PVT Fundamentals!) Return to the Present Moment If you're consciously existing in the present moment, that's probably a really good indicator that you're utilizing your ventral vagal pathways. And if that's true, then that means you're now exercising that system and building the strength of your vagal brake. It gets more complicated, but that's the basic idea. I teach and guide the participants of Building Safety Anchors on exactly this concept. I take the general idea of building your vagal brake and help people discover what "anchors" them in the present moment. Things like sensory experiences, cognitive skills, their environment and even their memories. All of these and a lot more can be used to anchor someone into the present moment. This means they are utilizing their safety pathways. But let's get a little more complicated... Pendulation Pendulation is a concept I first heard about through Peter Levine, the creator of Somatic Experiencing. It refers to the action of pendulating - going back and forth - from the stuck defensive state to the state of safety. In polyvagal terms, it is going up and down the polyvagal ladder. Pendulating requires an anchor, something that grounds the individual in the present moment. The act of pendulation can strengthen the vagal brake. It's like the polyvagal way of lifting weights. It builds the autonomic nervous system's capacity for tolerating distress. Titration Another concept from Peter Levine - titration. This is the act of feeling into the stuck defensive energy a little bit at a time. This is not easy. Feeling the pain of a defensive state is challenging to say the least. It takes a lot of readiness to do so, in my opinion. It takes a firm anchoring in your ventral vagal system. I think the first step of making change is to actually strengthen the ventral vagal system, not to dive into the painful stuff from your past. Once you're firmly anchored in the safe and social state, then you can begin to look inward at what might be there. You could. It's your call. If you're anchored and then make that choice, I'd recommend you do so in small doses. Don't expect to have the huge, trembling release of energy at first. You may have to get acquainted with tolerable doses of that energy first. Where it lives, how it feels, what your body does and wants to do in reaction to the energy. Why the Vagal Brake is Important When your vagal brake is sufficiently strengthened, a big benefit is being able to use the processes of pendulation and titration. But there are also many more immediate, daily changes that you might see. Here are a couple. Daily life becomes more manageable The work, school and relationship stresses of daily life are not as triggering. The parent that would otherwise yell at their child has more patience. The jerk at work is no longer as upsetting. Listening to friends and partners is more likely to come from empathy and understanding. There is less experienced threat Your daily life now has a calmer heartbeat and less potential to be triggered by benign or even negative things. People and events that are truly dangerous will still be neurocepted as dangerous. Responses to previous "threats" will be more tempered and attached to empathy for the other person. Our World Needs Stronger Vagal Brakes We need our "leaders" at all levels to come from empathy. Our elected leaders, our religious leaders, our familial and our teachers too. But they aren't (blanket statement, not intended to be all-inclusive). The people we trust on and rely in the most are not coming from a place of safety. They are reactive and defensive, just like you and me. Because they're human. But we need to individually each increase the strengths of our own vagal brakes. We obviously need to approach each other with love and compassion, not judgment and shame. With a stronger vagal brake, there will be more curiosity and understanding and less evaluation and dismissiveness. Because if the vagal brake is active, that means the safety and social engagement system is active. That means the biology is prepared for connection. Our world needs a lot of that.