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This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. The shutdown system is the dorsal vagal parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. The shutdown system is important for conservation of bodily resources. If the body goes into shutdown, it’s anticipating that its life is in threat and shuts down all bodily processes. This serves to not only conserve resources, but also provides potential opportunities for survival. Predators are less likely to eat a corpse, which “playing possum” looks like. This conservative shutdown state is intended to be temporary and something the body comes out of when able to mobilize to safety. Shutdown results in significant changes in social functioning: disconnection from the self and others numbness and dissociation removal of eye contact flat facial affect inhibited movement voice becomes more flat and monotone limited range of emotional expression The world is: overwhelming, uninteresting, pointless Thoughts become: hopeless, apathetic Feelings of: hopelessness, fogginess, tiredness, numbness, disconnectedness, aloneness, worthlessness Loss of: energy, motivation, connection, hope Become more: cold, disconnected, isolated, lethargic, unmotivated For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share. There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast, episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course below

This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. The flight and fight system is the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. The flight and fight system is important for optimizing the body for evasion or aggression. It repurposes resources because some functions are not necessary during moments of danger. For example, chewing is not necessary when in danger, so saliva is not produced and the mouth goes dry. The body needs to stay at a higher level of energy, so breathing becomes shallow and heart rate increases. These changes are intended to be temporary; for small bursts when in times of danger. When in the flight/fight state, we lose our social engagement with others: increase in distance when in flight invasion of space when in fight removal of eye contact or aggressive eye contact flat facial affect with wider eyes muscles tense in preparation for survival ears attune to sounds of danger and not vocal prosody voice becomes more monotone and rushed The world is: dangerous, threatening, out of control Thoughts become: concrete, evaluative, focused on the past or the future Feelings of: danger, tenseness, anxiety, anger Able to: mobilize, escape, avoid, use aggression Unable to: self-regulate, provide co-regulation opportunities, think critically, weigh options, be empathetic For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share. There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast, episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course below

This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. The safety and social engagement system is the ventral vagal parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. The safe & social state evolved within mammals and is important for optimizing the resources that the body has for health, growth and restoration. Examples include: homeostasis of bodily functions, hormone release, immune system and digestive system functioning. When the ventral vagal pathways are activated, our heart rate slows, we take fuller breaths into the belly, and we also have the ability to use our face and neck muscles. When in the safe & social state, we instantaneously socially engage with others: closer proximity eye contact wider range of facial expression wider range of physical gestures and posture hear human voice more accurately, while tuning out other noises vocal prosody: stress, pitch, intonation, pauses, volume and pacing The world is: safe, fun, peaceful, interesting, manageable Thoughts become: understanding, empathetic, balanced, hopeful, curious Feelings of: calm, happiness, connection, joy, motivation, excitement, relaxation, hope, awe Able to: focus, plan, weigh options when making a decision, self-regulate and provide co-regulation, use play, be self-reflective For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share. There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast, episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course

This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. When these autonomic state shifts occur, we create a story to explain why. It may sound something like this: “The teacher hates me. There’s no point in trying.” “I deserved it.” “I’m worthless and unlovable.” “I shouldn’t have been there.” “I must have wanted it because I didn’t say no.” These stories are there to explain the world and attempt to make sense of what caused the autonomic state shift. However, these stories do not necessarily reflect reality - they serve the function of creating an explanation and possibly minimizing the overwhelming nature of the state shift. Unfortunately, these narratives can add to the problem by keeping the survivor in their defensive autonomic state. The narrative can unintentionally act as a reinforcer. There’s the actual event that happens, the autonomic shift in response to the event and our perception of the event, then the narrative that the survivor creates to explain the state shift. It's okay to be a Polyvagal know-it-all (just make sure you know it all! Download my Polyvagal Checklist to make sure you're learning all the PVT Fundamentals!) Our autonomic states also directly influence our thoughts throughout a normal day. These “stories” are not just in relation to traumatic events. In our state of safety, our thoughts will be more empathetic, understanding, validating and normalizing. In a flight/fight state, thoughts will be more anxious, catastrophizing, avoidant or aggressive. And in a shutdown state, thoughts will be pessimistic, lacking hope or belief, and devoid of purpose. The phrase “story follows state” in relation to the Polyvagal Theory is from Deb Dana, LCSW. I did two interviews with her you can watch or listen to as well - interview 1 with more on "story follows state" interview 2 with info on her second book and COVID-19 For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share. There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast, episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course below

This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. “Neuroception” is the word that Dr Stephen Porges created for the concept of unconsciously detecting cues of safety or danger from the internal world or the external world and then shifting into defensive or safety autonomic states. It’s one of the main pillars of his Polyvagal Theory. The body is constantly scanning the environment for these danger or safety cues. And it does so through the senses. Information from the senses goes to very primitive parts of the brain outside of our conscious awareness. Meaning, neuroception has nothing to do with choice. It has everything to do with predetermined neurobiological responses to safety or danger. When we neurocept safety, we then engage in prosocial behaviors. And when we neurocept danger, we engage in defensive behaviors like running or fighting. And when we neurocept that our life is in threat, we engage in shutdown behaviors. Neuroception ties directly back into the autonomic nervous system and autonomic state. These neuroceptions of safety, danger or life threat “hijack” the autonomic nervous system, shifting our autonomic state. If the autonomic state is shifted, how we filter and react to the world shifts along with it. For example, if we neurocept that we are in danger, our body becomes more mobilized for running away: heart rate goes up, hearing is more attuned to danger sounds and breathing becomes more shallow. In this autonomic state, social engagement becomes much more of a challenge. Although unconscious, we can mindfully attune to the experiences of the state shifts that come from neuroceptions. For example, if you’ve ever been around someone that makes your stomach turn, you might be neurocepting a life threat. Not that your life is actually in threat, but that system turns on around that specific person. Neuroceptive shifts are noticeable as they are happening or even after the event when thinking back. For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share. There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast, episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course

This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. Basically, our autonomic state is going to be either Safe & Social, Flight/Fight or Shutdown. Our state is going to be a reaction to the outside world, the internal world, and our perceptions of either or both. It is of course more complicated than that. These primary states can actually mix and there appear to be degrees of severity for each. In essence, our state is not just how we behave, but also the filter that we experience the world through. Living in the social engagement autonomic state is more calm, soothing, connected, hopeful and loving. In the flight/fight state, life is more anxious, aggressive and dangerous. And in the shutdown autonomic state, life is very empty, numb and disconnected. What can trigger shifts in autonomic states is often unpredictable with someone that has been traumatized: the wrong look, the wrong sound, the wrong smell even. Any of these and more can trigger a state shift. Those clients or students that have a meltdown or a crisis out of nowhere? It’s not necessarily out of nowhere. These meltdowns can typically be traced back to a moment of detecting danger and losing access to their social engagement system. Autonomic shifts have consequences for daily life. Although they have evolved within us to support survival, they kick on and off throughout the normal day: at work, school, home and in relationships. Events that the body detects as dangerous shift the body into a mobilized flight/fight energy even if the event is not actually dangerous. Such as a child saying “no” to a parent. There is no danger in this situation, yet the parent may shift into an aggressive fight energy, which results in the feelings of frustration and yelling to get compliance. Being in a defensive autonomic state for a prolonged period of time misdirects resources that the body would otherwise use for health, growth and restoration. This is why we see trauma survivors having higher rates of other problems, such as autoimmune disorders, severe obesity, stroke, cancer and more. For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share. There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast, episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course below

..This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. The Autonomic Nervous System controls everything. It regulates all the internal organs without any conscious direction or effort. It’s autonomic. Breathing, heart rate, sweating, internal temperature regulation, digestion and more. It’s historically been known as two antagonistic systems: sympathetic and parasympathetic. As if these two were competing against each other for dominance. But Dr Stephen Porges explains that it’s more complex than that in his Polyvagal Theory. It turns out there is actually the sympathetic system and two parasympathetic systems that work in concert to benefit the mammalian organism. The sympathetic system is the flight/fight mobilization circuitry. This is located in the chest and controls the legs for evasion and the arms for aggression. The mobilization system is ideal for pushing away a danger and then getting to safety. The first parasympathetic system is the immobility system, located in the gut. This circuitry is responsible for the shutdown, collapsed behaviors that we see in a mammal when its life is threatened. And the second and newer parasympathetic system is the social engagement system, located in the face and neck and connected to the heart. This system is active when safe and allows for social connection with other safe mammals. When autonomic shifts happen, the internal organs and bodily resources are repurposed and used for defensive or connective purposes. For example, when in danger and more sympathetically charged, the mouth may go dry. This is because the body no longer needs saliva for chewing when it’s mobilized for running or fighting. The body prioritizes its processes based on what it neurocepts as safe, dangerous or life threatening. When under life threat, all systems are reduced to support basic life maintenance, such as heart rate and breathing. The entire body slows down, imitating a corpse. For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share. There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast, episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course below

..This is a segment from my Polyvagal One Pagers free PDF in my File Share. There are more short lessons on the fundamentals of the Polyvagal Theory in that PDF as well. These are useful for your own short lessons, classes you might teach or handouts you might give out at a seminar or workshop. The Polyvagal Theory is the science that underlies mammalian connection and defense responses... including human beings. Dr Stephen Porges first published the theory in 1994. The Polyvagal Theory is the first to illustrate the three distinct neural pathways, which evolved over time into a hierarchical structure. These three neural platforms control our abilities to socially engage with each other, mobilize or immobilize. The vagus nerve is the highway these three neural platforms utilize. Each one is part of the autonomic nervous system. Social engagement and immobility are parasympathetic; while the mobility platform is sympathetic. These are each autonomic, meaning outside of our conscious awareness. For the most part, we don’t direct the ANS. Things like breathing, heart rate, digestion and sweating. We don’t choose these things, they just happen based on what autonomic platform is active. Ventral vagus = safety system Sympathetic = mobilization Dorsal vagal = immobilization When we are safe, our parasympathetic social engagement neural circuitry is activated. We have use of our face and neck muscles. When we are in danger, the flight/fight sympathetic circuitry is activated. This allows us to run with our legs for evasion or use our arms for being aggressive. And when we are undergoing a life threat, our immobility circuitry is activated. This results in a shutdown, collapsed behavior. It’s also possible to mix these primary neural platforms. Activating the safety/social engagement system along with the mobility system results in play. Activating the safety/social engagement system along with the immobility system results in stillness. And activating the mobility system along with the immobility system results in freeze. For even more information on the Polyvagal Theory, check out these other resources I have: You can download a 1-page Polyvagal Theory resource in my File Share. There's this and many many other one-pagers for you to use. The Polyvagal 101 page the Polyvagal Theory on the Stuck Not Broken podcast, episodes 101-109 plus everything else I have in the blog and the Polyvagal 101 course

Getting unstuck isn't easy, and sometimes it's downright hard. Novelty can be exciting in its newness, but it can also be anxiety-producing. When you're making a change, you're entering a new territory. Making change depends on the strength of someone's window of tolerance and how much distress they can tolerate. Change may be especially difficult for someone stuck in a traumatized state. In this blog, I will give that person some starting points for the traumatized individual to begin making changes and getting unstuck. Learn a new paradigm to lay the foundation for getting unstuck. The Polyvagal Theory is a good one. I highly recommend it! If you didn't know, I'm kinda obsessed with it and based an entire podcast on the foundations of the theory. I've also got a page dedicated to easily understanding it, it's called Polyvagal Intro. Whether it's the Polyvagal Theory or some other paradigm, the benefit is getting a new and hopefully more comprehensive understanding of yourself and how you fit into the world. Without the foundation of a solid paradigm, navigating the process of getting unstuck might seem a lot more out of control and overwhelming. But with a nice solid foundation under your feet, it will give you something to fall back on during your process. It doesn't have to be the PVT. But, of course, that's my recommendation for where to start. You might also find the grounding you need through religion and the paradigm of yourself and the world it offers. Or, if you're already a believer, it might be time to revisit your beliefs and start anew. You could also look deeper into the work of Peter Levine or Kathy Kain for a better understanding of somatic psychology and healing. The PVT is one piece of what they go deeper into. After having a new paradigm, you can then develop it into a new narrative. Create a judgment-free narrative to start getting unstuck. Yes, it's possible. You can give yourself a new narrative with a new or refreshed paradigm. Because that solid foundational knowledge or worldview, it can help construct your stories about yourself. A new narrative is the application of the new paradigm to the self. I'll again advocate here for the Polyvagal Theory in particular. Once you understand the biological components of the PVT and the autonomic nervous system, there is simply no judgment involved with applying it to the self. It's just biology. It's a scientific explanation of the bodily processes involved in how we get stuck and stay stuck. It applies to every single one of us and is judgment free. I hear from podcast listeners or Instagram followers that they felt a deep sense of relief in having the new paradigm of the PVT and then having a new narrative for something that happened in the past. Typically, it's referencing some traumatic event they went through. Or a realization about their upbringing and how that impacts them now. But instead of the story being about how they're broken or defective, it's a more accurate story about being stuck in a defensive state. This new narrative brings with it a sense of hope and optimism. Because if you're stuck, then that means you can get unstuck. The biological science of the PVT also brings with it a roadmap for making change - the polyvagal ladder. Notice the moment to start getting unstuck. After creating a new paradigm and narrative, anchor yourself firmly in the present moment. The teachings of the PVT and your narrative of yourself will do the most good in the present moment. Yes, they apply to the past as well. But bringing those pieces to the present moment can help you attune to your biology right here and now. You exist in the literal physical environment in the literal present moment. Not then, not there. But right here and now. If you exist then and there, you're probably in a defensive state. (Was that too convoluted?) Basically, I'm saying that if you are currently feeling those old feelings, there's a good chance that you're in a defensive state and have lost access to your capacity to tolerate the defensiveness. And if that's true, then the paradigm and the narrative will do little good. You can start to return to the present moment by using your present-moment interactions with the environment through your senses. I teach more about this in section 4 of my Building Safety Anchors course, then lead you through a few practice days. Senses might be one of the most obvious ways to feel the present moment. After all, that's how the present moment speaks to us and influences our polyvagal state. Anchor yourself in safety for getting unstuck. So that's all well and good, but you want to anchor yourself in the present moment by feeling safety. And this is where the Building Safety Anchors course comes in handy. Because it's all about discovering what works for you and your wonderful nervous system through finding feelings of safety. I teach you six different avenues for doing so, senses being one of the six. Or you could subscribe to the Stuck Not Broken: Total Access Membership. Total Access gives you all of my trauma recovery courses and my private supportive community of people on their own trauma recovery journey. Generally, you can feel safety through small changes in your state. As you increase your ventral vagal safety activation, you will unlock your capacity to breathe easily, smile, use eye crinkles, and socially connect with others. You might feel more playful or more relaxed. So coming to the present moment and noticing your shifts is great, but coming to the present moment through safety, in particular, is ideal. As you exercise your safety pathways, the possibilities for getting unstuck increase. Having a strong ventral safety system is necessary for the process of unstucking. (Unsticking?) Those pathways will be vital in tolerating the defensive energy as it discharges or returns. Seriously, they're important. 23 Surprising Impacts of Trauma If you live in a traumatized state, you might be surprised at how your past experiences still shape who you are today and how you experience your daily life. Read the blog here >

Last week's blog was on Validation. This time, we're going to look at Normalization. Let's refer back to the Instagram post differentiating betwixt the two - Validation is affirming the existence of a feeling and the inherent worth of it. But Normalization is making sense of a feeling based on its context. The historical context could be something as far back as childhood or as recent as the present moment. We often have great difficulty with our present-day feelings, thoughts and somatic experiences. We tend to judge ourselves, shame ourselves and basically perpetuate the state that underlies these. We think that our feelings are some sort of defect, we're cut off from the somatic and we experience our thoughts as an invasion. It all gets very out of control. Having some normalization can help. It's a way to make sense of how we feel now in relation to the past or the precipitating event(s). It helps to make the experience less chaotic and can bring a sense of "oh, that makes sense now." Normalization doesn't really fix the issue. But it does help to make sense of it. Often times, this might be enough to self-regulate or make a different choice. Normalization can be instrumental in the process of ladder climbing. It can help someone to come out of their shutdown and into some righteous anger. It can help someone to come from a sympathetic flight/fight state into a calmer and connected state. I find myself being extremely unsurprised by what my clients report about their current problems and the context of where these problems came from. I sort of expect my clients - any of us, really - to live in defensive states after living through something that would get them stuck there. Or not having certain needs met and not experiencing healthy co-regulation. The presenting problems they come to therapy with are normal reactions to abnormal situations. They make sense. I'd be more surprised if someone didn't have some sort of presenting problem when considering the larger context of their lives. Practice Let's do some practice with normalizing. Read what Person 1 is saying below and do the best you can to make sense of what they're saying within the context of their life. Person 1: "I just feel completely disconnected and alone. My parents didn't pay much attention to me and I was left to sort of just take care of myself. Never really felt much love from them." Pretty simple, right? What about this can be normalized? I would hone in on the feeling of being disconnected and alone. And it makes sense why they would feel this way - they never had a terribly strong, loving connection with their parents. And having that is pretty essential to being able to feel connection later on in life. The feelings of disconnected and alone make sense within this small context of their life. Let's do the exercise again - Person 2: "I'm pissed! My f***ing boss is changing my schedule duties and leaving me with the worst people on my shift!" What can be normalized here? It makes sense to me that someone could be angry by a sudden change in their work schedule that is less than ideal. So as a listener, I can make a normalizing statement along those lines, like "Yeah, I can see why you'd feel that way. I'd be pissed off too if my boss did that to me!" It tells Person 2 they're not only being listened to, but their feelings are okay and make sense and are relatable. Would you potentially feel the same way with similar contexts? That might be helpful for you as a listener. To ask yourself - If I were in a similar situation, would I feel something similar? Or at least, does it make sense the other person feels that way? This is potentially problem territory, since we so easily tell others that they are overreacting and minimize their feelings or the problem. But someone who is in their safe/social state will be able to answer that question and offer some normalization. For the self Now let's turn the lens toward yourself. It's not easy to normalize our own stuff. You might look back at your childhood and idealize it, even if it wasn't ideal. You might minimize and invalidate your feelings and the context of those feelings. So maybe it's most helpful to start with a simple agreement. And here it is - your feelings are probably not random. Can we agree on that? You might not be able to make sense of your inner world and give yourself the normalization that you need. But maybe you can at least normalize the fact that your feelings are probably not random. Feelings are there for a reason. They serve a purpose. I've never met with someone in therapy or otherwise that I thought had truly random feelings. The feelings are consistently tied to a polyvagal state on the ladder. And that polyvagal state is consistently tied to some sort of context. Even if you don't know the context, can you normalize that your feelings, your thoughts, your somatics are there for a reason? I hope that's helpful. If you thought this was, you might be interested in my Patreon. It's an entirely separate podcast for members that are paying $5/mo. Every week, I release at least one mini episode of around 10 minutes. Usually I release more than one short episode as well as my Open Letters and Instagram audio. Trust me - it's a lot!

You've probably heard me talk about my course - Building Safety Anchors - a number of times now and maybe are curious about whether or not it's actually helpful. You're interested but the price tag might scare you off. Or you're waiting for the "right time". Or you've bought into other courses and were let down. I get it. I of course can't make guarantees about whether or not my course will be of help to you in particular. I wish I could, but that would be unethical in my opinion. I know for damn sure that it's something I pained over to get it where I thought it would probably be the most helpful. A BSA Review I got this extended review/testimonial from a single Mother that took the course that might provide some real-world context. She has multiple kids in the home of various ages and took the course right in the heart of the 2020 holiday season. It shares specific things she got out of taking the course that help her anchor herself in the present moment and how its impacted her life. If you have any questions about the course or what to expect, don't hesitate to contact me at justinlmft@gmail.com. Here's the review - The first week I began, the challenges were doable. and enjoyable. I enjoyed learning about myself (this was actually a great way to get to know myself!) through the challenges. I found out that the exercises I like doing (like boxing, long-boarding, and dancing) are great outlets for the pent up feelings I get overwhelmed with. I had been hearing for decades about how other people channeled their emotions into their artwork, and had dabbled in it from time to time, but the angry images I kept making left me down-hearted. As the week became weeks of meeting new challenges, seeing goals met and feeling more equipped, I was stunned to practice these new coping anchors in a space of safety. I felt silly at first, and as I kept doing the exercises I thought about how silly I felt when I was learning to long-board and kickbox; it was the very same thing! I was flexxing!! I was learning. I was exerting and creating new firings in my brain. I was excited to try out my newly acquired anchors and waited for the moment. I knew someone would trigger me at some point in time, lol. I've been living in Fight-flight and Shutdown for a large percentage of my life, tbh. One thing I tried was building a list of music on my Spotify named Polyvagal. It's music from angry Rage Against the Machine, which pumps me up and gets me into a fight mood (pulling me up out of shutdown), and it slowly vamps down into Gorillaz and Siames which is mellow and fills me with serenity. I get to feel the burst of fury and slide it up the ladder into calm and safe --with my most powerful tool (for me): music. Another surprise to me as an anchor was games! I had no idea how much a game could change me. My family and I sat at the table with a new game (Unstable Unicorns) and had to endure every single emotion without taking the game attacks personally. It was a constant (emotional AND physical) battle --in the game and in the body! We all had to watch emotions slide over each other's faces and not take their anger about our attacks personally. We had to combine forces to learn the new game and understand its every rule. It was unreal. Afterward, the family drew far closer than before. My older kids have spent the last 2 days downstairs when usually they're holed up in their rooms non-stop. The younger kids benefitted so much, they ended up feeling like equals. <3 I really was challenged to find the strength and guts to press into the Special Space goal, as cleaning and motivation are low on the totem for me atm. I ended up climbing right in there and cleaning up a space that had been haunting me for years! Justin, your words of encouragement and the fact that the goals didn't judge me EVER kept me going. I have to admit that the holidays held me behind. I had to pull myself a little to get back on the goal wagon, but once I did I kept feeling the rewards. I've got a lot of tools in my pocket now. The anchors I've been able to create with your help have changed my life, immensely. For certain, I no longer feel like I'm at the mercy of my feelings and hormone dumps. I now know that I can use my emotions and feelings that overwhelm me to give me strength in fastening to my anchors, instead. I know how to channel my energy, now --before it felt foreign to me, I felt very uncertain. I want you to know that when you said that cognitive anchors may not work for some people you were right, and I needed to hear that. I'd been relying on memories to pull me out of funks, but when the funks slammed me, I couldn't pull the memories and that would lead me down a rabbit hole of self judgements and frustrations. Hearing you validate that helped me have empathy for myself and it also helped me pour more intention into learning new anchors. At one point during these 30 days the thought came to me: I've been given a Ferrari and told "here's the brake, here's the gas, stay off the grass. Go." After building many anchors I feel like you've handed me the manual to my Ferrari and I am so excited to see what this puppy can do!!! My meat suit sends me messages via feelings, all I have to do is listen, interpret and get going on what it desires. My meat suit knows the way. <3 Now I can, too. I give your program two big thumbs up! So grateful, Justin. You've helped change my life and the future for my children --for the better! <3 Contact me if you have questions Seriously, don't hesitate to contact me if you have a question or concern. I know making the decision to financially invest in yourself is not an easy one. I'll do the best I can to address your questions and concerns before you do so. My email is justinlmft@gmail.com . Or you can also go to the course page to find out more and sign up.

Validation is distinct from Normalization. They are both integral to the process of therapy, something that can be done for others outside of therapy and also something that can be done for the self. In this blog, I will focus on validation - what it is and how to do it. I find that my therapy clients commonly have a very difficult time with validation. Heck, we all do. Myself included. Validation isn't exactly easy or natural, maybe especially considering one's upbringing. You may not have grown up in a family/environment/culture where validation was even a thing. I think many of us didn't. Validation is I posted this to Instagram, comparing the words "validate" and "normalize" - I think that's what it boils down to. A recognition of the feelings of someone else. A recognition of their existence as is. Not an evaluation of the feelings, not an assessment of those feelings or a judgment. Simply recognizing the factual existence of those feelings. But also recognizing the worth of those feelings. Not like a dollar amount. Not really a judgment on how much or how little those feelings are worth. That's not what I mean. By worth, I am referring to the inherent worth. As in, those feelings come from another human being. And by simply existing, you have value as do your feelings. The feelings that we have are significant just by their existence. Now, I'm not saying that all people at all times are going to recognize either of these things. Nor will the people who maybe should. Nor will they do so in the best way possible for you in particular. And I'm not even suggesting that because of Feeling X, that someone else should act in this way or that. I'm simply saying that validation is the affirmation and recognition of someone else's feelings. This isn't a prescription for how someone else should or should not behave based on someone else's feelings. Practice Let's do a little exercise on validation. Read what Person 1 is saying below and do the best you can to affirm and recognize their feeling(s). Person 1: "I'm so sick of doing virtual classrooms! I miss seeing my friends and I feel so lonely." This should be fairly obvious. What feelings are existing here that you can recognize? Being "sick" of something. But drilling down a bit more, it might be frustrated, bored or maybe dreading. There is also the feeling of missing, or wanting connection. And also loneliness. Again, wanting connection. So when you validate this person, you could simply use their words or even give them new ones that might fit. (They'll let you know if you get it wrong.) Let's do the exercise again, but make it less obvious. Person 2: "I had a really hard day at work today. My boss is changing my program duties and putting me into a program where they're incompetent." What could be validated with Person 2? Sounds - at the very least - like a "hard day." But there could also be some stress about the unknown. Some dread. Maybe they feel unwanted or discarded. Could be a lot of things, but at the very least, recognizing the difficulty of what they are feeling from their "hard day." And if you're unable to even provide this level of validation, worry not. Simply being interested in the other person and being an active listener is a validating act in and of itself. You could ask questions about their feelings or try to paraphrase what they are saying. If Person 1 or 2 received that from you, they would feel important to you. As they continue to talk about their feelings, they might feel validated. Your active interest in them as a valuable human being and your active interest in their feelings will be validating. It shows the other person they are important. And we all need that. For the self This doesn't all just apply to Person 1, Person 2, some other person or a client in therapy. No, this applies to you as well! Like I said at the beginning of this blog, we all have some difficulty with validation, but maybe no more so than when attempting to apply it to the self. First, we kinda suck at slowing down and noticing that we even have feelings at all. We live fast-paced lives, chock full of constant streams of immediate gratification. We're incessantly distracted by our own avenues of entertainment that we don't look inward. We focus on the problems of the external world and ignore the problems of the internal. We direct our energies to this cause and that cause; or in response to someone else's cause in defensiveness. But we don't really just pause and recognize the feelings that we have inside of us. No, instead we maybe identify that we're angry, but then use that energy to create a narrative of blame. We maybe identify that we feel sad or alone, but then create a narrative of how worthless we are. I don't think this is purposeful or conscious. "Story follows state," you know. But that's kinda the problem. It's reactionary and is very disembodied and not conscious. Instead, to validate the self, we would simply notice the feelings we have inside and be with them for a bit. Not judgmental evaluation or judgmental labeling. Just noticing what is there and allowing it to be. Just like if a loved one were to be with us and notice our stress. The noticing, naming and being with it are validating. The feeling is there. It does exist. This applies not just to the emotional feelings that we have, though that is often the start of it. But also to the polyvagal, somatic feelings. We can acknowledge the existence within ourselves of these internal discomforts, like a tensing of the jaw. We can identify it on the polyvagal ladder as sympathetic energy (probably fight) and give it a name like "stress." This is different than a judgmental label, like "bad" or "'weak." Be curious Doing these little steps can help to provide some validation to the self. Simply bringing some of this to the self can help the feelings to alleviate or the stuck energy to continue to course through the system. No, it's not this easy. It never is. But these are pieces of the puzzle. I don't think anyone is going to be able to do something like meditation work without these pieces; of being with the feelings and noticing and recognizing. To do so requires some curiosity. And being curious requires some level of autonomic safety; some ventral activation. This is typically where I see people lacking and needing more support before they can delve more into their defensive feelings. I can teach you how to be with your safety feelings in the Building Safety Anchors course. And through that course, you can identify what brings you ventral vagal feelings of safety. As you continue to develop the ventral pathways and the capacity to remain activated, the stuck energy will become more tolerable and the potential to validate your feelings will increase. But the ventral activation - or enough of it - is key. BSA goes into six different potential paths to feel safety and be more grounded in the present moment. If you're ready to invest in your own change and can commit to thirty days of learning and doing in small doses, you might benefit from Building Safety Anchors. Thanks so much for reading this week's blog. I hope it was helpful in understanding and applying the concept of validation in your life and yourself personally.